My Dear Hard Drive

Posts Tagged ‘love’

Sometimes, when we get involved with a person, we kind of hold back our feelings waiting to get some sort of an assurance of their feelings toward us. It is often a question of poor self-esteem, when we kind of think that if SOMEONE would love me, I would so love them! Along those lines. I used to think that way when I was a lot younger, until I was in a relationship in which my boyfriend clearly loved me, and I tried, I tried to love him but I couldn’t get further than liking him. So I decided that I would never ever start dating again unless I wasn’t really expecting great things. I would not string anyone along any more, I would survive being rejected, but I could not watch another man cry for me, never again.

This attitude gave me the freedom of expressing my interest to those I was interested in, smiling freely, telling them I liked them. Who cares if they don’t like me or love me? More often than not, they liked me too, some loved me. It still was, until I found my husband, that there was something else not working, that led into a break up, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t like them, or that they didn’t like me. I have never had to look back and think: “What on earth did I ever see in that man?” because my feelings were always based on their personality and appearance rather than the hope of them loving me in return.

There has been a study that showed, that people are more likely to find you attractive if you express interest towards them. If you tell them you like them, or even if someone else tells them that this person likes you. You start paying more attention to that person, because, there’s a possibility of returned love if you give your love away. Attractive thought, isn’t it? While I wouldn’t disregard the power of receiving attention, I still would look into the person with a critical eye. Why would you love them? If they didn’t like you, would you still like them? Would you be even remotely interested?

There’s another good reason to try not to fall in love with the possibility of receiving love. Love hungry people are the prime target of people with narcissistic personality disorder. They can give you love, show you love, and then deny their love just to push your buttons like you were a lab rat. You will be running after that love, not their personality, as that personality is really not that lovable. They will LOVE to prove that they love you, (even if they really didn’t) while normal people get quite tired in proving their love for you eventually. It’s just not worth it, who ever you are.

What I want to say with all this, is that get to know yourself. Learn to love yourself, and then put that twinkle in your eye and let people you love know that you love them. You don’t have to go around saying it, but giving them a warm happy smile will be just enough in most cases. Who cares if they reject you? That doesn’t change who you are and what you are worth. You are not looking for love, you are looking for true love, am I right?

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There is a lot to be said about sexually transmitted diseases spreading and unwanted pregnancies increasing as a result of the True Love Waits -approach, or otherwise known as abstinence only -sex education. Personally I am even more worried about the emotional and mental health issues that may follow from this type of teaching, especially from the female point of view.

I know we don’t like the idea of our kids having sex. We don’t even like the thought of our parents having sex. In fact, I don’t think any of us really likes to think about anyone they know having sex, so I understand why we would have the need to control our loved ones willingness of having sex. Parents say it’s not good for you, it harms you both physically and emotionally, and that can be true, but instead of teaching the kids how to have safe sex, some of them opt out by teaching that not having sex is the only option.

Now I am not against the idea of abstinence, up to a point. It is good to wait until you are emotionally good and ready, and by “emotionally” I don’t mean being in a loving and caring relationship necessarily, but that you want to have sex and you don’t have moral qualms about what you’re doing and you are strong enough to face the potential problems that could arise from it. And by potential problems I mean people giving you shit about it (even tough I don’t think it’s none of their damned business), sexually transmitted diseases (including AIDS but not limited to it) and unwanted pregnancies (that you have to deal with one way or another).

I saw a documentary about the True Love Waits campaign some time ago, and what I saw then, disturbed me a great deal. A teacher was holding up two tooth brushes, one used, one in the neat wrapping and asked which one would the kids use if they had the choice. They, of course, chose the one in wrapping. The teacher went on to explain that just like the toothbrush, you should choose a partner who hasn’t had sex before and you should “keep yourself in wrapping” until you are married. Then they went on to explain all the things that are wrong in using a used toothbrush – you don’t know where it’s been and you can get diseases and it’s vile… All true in the case of a toothbrush, but it maddened me to think that someone would actually think it’s the same thing with people. A toothbrush doesn’t have a heart. They don’t love you. They don’t have emotions, personality or anything to give you except clean teeth. You will throw one out after using it for a month if you do as your dentists tell you to. A human being won’t loose his or her value after it has been “used”. A human being has nothing to do with toothbrushes.

Now lets imagine a sensitive person who actually takes this garbage to heart. Let’s imagine it’s a girl. She has one weak moment and has sex with a boyfriend she loved to bits. It felt good and right in the moment, but after the heat of the moment, the guilt starts creeping in. You are worthless now. Nobody will love you. Your boyfriend lost all respect for you now. DO you think he will “buy the product after having used it?” No way, he’ll find a new product, a new girl and marries her. He wouldn’t marry you! So she believes that and starts acting accordingly. Blames the boyfriend for hating her now, not having respect and looking at other girls. For a while he tries to convince her that he still loves her, he doesn’t want anyone else and he certainly haven’t lost his respect for her. However, he gets tired of convincing her and decides that there will be no future for them at this rate, leaves her “and proves her right”.

So she will now have to go on as a “used toothbrush” that nobody will want. That is her reality, that is what she has been taught. She is broken by having sex, that is what she believes, when in fact the thing that broke her was her sex ed. She has no respect for herself, so when that guy comes in that will tell her she’s all right, an he will love her regardless, she will take the offer. No matter she’s not really that into him, but he said he’d love her, regardless. She gets married, has a baby and finds out she married an abusive man. She gets beaten up every now and then, then he apologies and says that it is all because you had sex with that man. He thought he would be strong enough to handle that, but jealousy just sweeps over him every now and then, and that is why he lost control… He loves her so, regardless. And she understands him, she deserves no better than getting beaten up on a regular basis. She’s a slut after all.

Okay, let’s move on to the scenario #2, when she does wait until marriage. She’s 18, her hormones are running wild and she can’t wait to have sex. She has a boyfriend, not the man of her dreams by a long shot, but he’s there and he’s willing, like her, to marry before having sex. So they decide to marry, and jump into bed with high hopes. This is it! This is the way God intended! Marital blizz! So they have sex. He’s ecstatic in the morning, and thinks this is so fantastic. He has someone to have sex with for the rest of his life. She is not so excited. It wasn’t nearly as good as she thought. She doesn’t feel more in love with him now that they had sex. The sex wasn’t great at all. She didn’t orgasm, even though she did everything right. He didn’t even notice. She’s too embarrassed to say anything besides, she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings. Suddenly she sees years and years of unfulfilled hopes and dreams stretch in front of her to be shared with that man… And she’s probably pregnant by the end of the week, because birth control was never an issue. She struggles ahead for the next 15 years and decides it is time to face the truth and divorce him and find someone she’s really into. With 8 kids it might be a bit of an issue, but still, you have to try.

If there are teens reading this… Let me tell you something. Don’t ever put a value on yourself by the number of people you have slept with. Not if you think it’s cool to have a lot of partners, and not if you think it’s uncool. Put a value on yourself based on your personality. How funny you are. How loving you are. How people enjoy being in your company, how well you take care of your pets, how responsible you are, how talented you are, but never by the number of people you sleep with. You can NEVER be sure that the person you have sex with will stay with you, whether or not you marry him or her, but at the same time, whether or not you have sex with people will not make them loose respect for you or make them not want to marry you. That doesn’t even come into the radar screen! What matters is your respect for yourself, and how you treat people. I can tell you that I’ve had sex with a lot of guys, and only ONE ever treated me with disrespect. He however wasn’t healthy. I learned later on that he had some sort of a mental disorder which made him a little… Well, mental. However, I walked out on him as I deserve no disrespect no matter where it comes from. I am afraid though, that if your school teaches abstinence only from a religious point of view there can be people who try to make you think less of yourself by making remarks about having had sex before marriage, but you should not take those comments into heart. As for people marrying you after having sex with you; I had sex with my husband before we got married, and here he is, still loving me and respecting me, as I do him. And all of the happily married people I know have had sex before marriage. (I don’t really hang out in the circles that believe in abstinence.)

Educate yourself on birth control, there is heaps of information online. Choose the method best suited for you (condom is always a good choice unless you have latex allergy, and if you do there are latex free condoms available). And, never, ever ever let anyone dictate to you who you should or should not sleep with. It is YOUR CHOICE, and yours alone. And never ever disrespect yourself for your choices, because that is the only way anyone will have the grounds of disrespecting you. Read about sex, as much as you can, from as many sources as you can, hell, watch some porn while you’re at it (as long as it’s legal of course). You need to know what it is to know what you’re signing up for or signing out of. You need to be aware of what you like about it and what you don’t like about it, so you’ll be able to inform your partner. Oh, and masturbate. It’s good for you and I promise won’t make your palms hairy.

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My previous post spurred another thought. Why men and women behave drastically differently in the dating environments. It is pretty obvious really, but let’s put it out there nonetheless.

Women often complain about a flood of email that they really can’t respond to on a dating site, for the mere reason it is just a short description of the man (height, weight, hobbies, color of hair) who then finishes: “So if you are interested write back.” And the girl thinks to herself, that “Why would I be interested in that? You offer me nothing to base my decision on!” The man never thought he should tell more. He would take anyone who is interested, but cannot figure out Read the rest of this entry »

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Have you ever thought about the pressure that men are under when growing up to become good men? Us women are giving them hell about things. They need to perform in bed. They have to last long to pleasure a woman. They have to learn what each woman likes in bed. They have to be loving and caring to make us love them and at the same time be masculine and scary to turn us on. They have to open doors, pay the bill and carry bags for us. They have to be taller than us and dress nice. They have to earn a good living and be home by dinner. They have to Read the rest of this entry »

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I am writing a second post with this topic. The first one didn’t really answer the question, as it was from the point of view of a migrant proving that the relationship between the native spouse was genuine. Now I thought I should take an attempt to answer the question people are looking for – this is my #1 most read topic.

I have to start by saying that if you are asking that question you have a big problem. You have maybe done something that gave your loved one an idea that you don’t love him or her… Like cheated on them or hit them, and you really can’t blame them for not believing you love them. The second situation is that the person is so damaged emotionally, that she or he cannot believe ANYONE could love them. A common case with mentally and/or physically abused children, who sometimes believe that you say you love them just to trick them into something.

First you have to ask yourself if you really truly do love this person. Often when our love is denied or questioned, we get so wrapped up in the thought of love, that we miss the point; we DON’T really love them and they were right. Why do they think you don’t love them? Answer that question first. Is it really that you want what is best for them, which is the reason you insist on hanging out with them, or is it that you just can’t take rejection? Do you just want things to go your way? Did you do something? The most important thing for you to do is calm down. Be patient and take a step back. Give them space. Let them know that you will be there when they need you. That might not work for you, especially if you were the one doing the damage. If it was their parents or guardians or bullies at school, you have a little better chance of making it. This will require patience.

I had a boyfriend like this once. In fact, he never became my boyfriend, as he didn’t believe I loved him or even wanted him around. I still don’t know what happened to him to give him that impression, but I know his childhood wasn’t a happy one. He mentioned once that his father used to beat up his mother. If I have learned anything, the father would then have been abusing him as well, mentally or physically or both.  I think I finally got the message through to him when it was too late. I had already moved on and my life was in a very different place. I just happened to meet him somewhere and we ended up sharing a few days together. I had him crying in my arms for something, I don’t know what he cried about, and I told him that I had always loved him. He said the same, without resistance, for the first time. It took me ten years to get through to him. That is the amount of patience you sometimes need… And sometimes, like in my case, it is still not meant to be. I met someone else soon after, and while I was thinking about this guy as well in the beginning of that relationship, I decided to marry the other. I still do worry about him, I still wish he will find happiness, or that he has found happiness and peace within himself. I don’t know what has happened to him since then, but I do wonder. I believe in reincarnation though, so I’ll meet him again to see how he’s doing. He’s been hanging around me for 2500 years so he’ll be there for a few hundred more I’m sure. (But that is another story.)

Back to your dilemma, why do you want to prove that you love this person? Let’s have a discussion in the comments, shall we? I can’t wrap my head around enough examples to answer all the questions, but I’m willing to give it a good Aussie go if you ask. But I’ll be brutally honest, so be prepared.

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I want all of you to know, that my Brettels is having a birthday today and that he’s really really old. Although the numbers of his age would suggest he would be a chubby and grumpy old man, he really isn’t. He seems about half of his age. In many ways. Like he doesn’t quite know what he wants to be when he grows up.

I met my him the first time online. He had seen my website and thought I was cool. You know, how you sometimes can track back the steps that lead to something what is now? Well… If hadn’t had a website. If it wasn’t written in English. If I hadn’t joined City.fi. If I didn’t learn English. If my mother hadn’t forced me to learn English. If my mother hadn’t sucked at English… What really brought us together is probably the fact that my mom sucks at English. Or at least she thinks she does, she’s not really that bad, but she made me lean the language because she didn’t want me to fail. And the rewards are numerous, and my Brettels is the biggest one.

When we had our first date, Brett had gotten me a chocolate heart to give to me straight away. Sounds so sleazy, doesn’t it? We had been talking about how he wears his heart in his sleeve, and he had the chocolate heart tucked in his sleeve. He had planned to let it fall out at some appropriate moment. But as it turned out, he was late for the date and ran to the place where we were supposed to meet – at least he thought so. I was waiting for him outside, and he ran right past me, and we believe that was about the time when the heart fell off his sleeve. :p I caught him in the act of being very uncool, trying to catch his breath and sort out his hair on the street before walking in. I had a good chuckle about it and called on his mobile that I think he just ran past me. He’s easy to pick out from the crowd, easier than I am apparently. I honestly didn’t think at the time that it was my future husband.

I took my time to decide whether I liked him or not. One of the things was that he turned out to be 12 years older than I was. That didn’t occur to me at first, I only thought about his age when I spotted some gray hairs and thought to ask how old he actually was. I was surprised to hear his age, and I still am when I count the candles on his cake… He was around when they landed on the moon for crying out loud. Only a little boy, but old enough to remember it. The year I met him, he turned 40. A lot of his mates came to his birthday party with a card with the wrong age printed on it. Everyone knew he was turning round years, but most of them were 10 years late with their congratulations.

Anyway, I’m right on the money today, when I wish Brett happy 44th birthday!! (I had to resort to advanced mathematics to figure that one out.)

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I was inspired by this beautiful post by a husband about his wife of 23 years. He wrote a reason for each year, but since we’ve only been married for 3, I think that would not be sufficient.

He’s my bestistest friend. He gets me, and there’s nobody I’d rather be with anywhere.

He has the best cuddle. His chest is warm against my cheek, a little bit fuzzy and tickles my nose. The best time of day is when we cuddle up to sleep.

He never speaks disrespectfully to me, even if I deserved it. He has never called me with names or used a sarcastic tone with me. He has never once belittled me.

He knows a lot of my Barbies by name, and has even named a few. I suppose most men would roll their eyes with a wife who plays with Barbies, but instead he makes me feel like an artist when I dress one up or remake one. And he tells people he’s happy that I have such a cheap hobby, even after encouraging me to spend over 100 euros on one doll.

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