My Dear Hard Drive

Posts Tagged ‘dating’

To women, online dating can be a very frustrating past time. Although I am the biggest fan of finding dates online, I know all too well how frustrating it can be and WILL be. It seems that when a guy gets on a dating site, his brain flies right out of the window, and finding a good man can feel impossible. Unless the dating site is very well designed and well thought out, you might want to look for alternatives when finding dates.

If you have a passion for something that is fairly gender non-biased, or better yet, love something very manly (say Aussie footy ) don’t just mention that on your dating profile, but go where the passionate people discuss about the topic. I bet that if you’re not the only one loving it, there will be a discussion board dedicated for that specific past time. Then the only question is: Is there an off topic section on the board? (Note that off topic sections are often reserved for people who are active on the board, and open only after you’ve proven that you’re genuinely interested in the topic.) The off topic section allows you to be really social on the forum and find out things about the fellow members outside the topic. They are really the cream of most forums, while you all have a similar interest it’s not the only thing in your lives – hopefully.

The advantage of this is that you will meet people in a natural way. It’s not instantly sexual, but you can relax and talk about SOMETHING ELSE. You can get to know the men as they are in a real social situation, when they are not overrun by their hormones. If you can find a relaxing general discussion board, that’s good too, but they are very hard to find. Also, don’t avoid small discussion boards, because you’ll get to know the active members a lot faster than what you would on a massive board.

When you spend time on a board that is intended for something completely different than dating, you’ll obviously find a lot of people who are not single but you will also meet people who are. Your options may be more limited but also more targeted. The advantage of dating sites is that everyone is single, but the trouble with them is that they are often not targeted and are not designed so that you can meet people in a non-pressure environment. They are also quite competitive, and people can jump the gun a bit being afraid that someone else will get you if they don’t get there first. However, it’s worth a try.

And again, when you get on these boards, upload an avatar + user photo if possible, and fill out your profile and add a link to your blog, profile or website so that if someone finds you interesting, they can find out more about you. In your “about me” section, mention that you’re single (but not necessarily that you’re looking, in this environment it may sound a bit too obvious and desperate), also make sure your age and sex is there to see. In your signature, if allowed, add the link to your profile, but don’t mention anything about being single, unless you find a way to be really humorous about it.

Because I trust discussion boards to be the KEY to successful online dating, my dating site that is currently being coded, is based on a functional discussion forum. You can keep an eye on the developments at MyNook.com.au .

Happy birthday, granny, where ever you are. <3

When you start approaching people online, you have to be aware that not all social networks are dating sites. This means, that even though the site might look like a dating site, it might have similar functions, it still may not be one. Now that social networking has become more of a norm, I suppose misplaced dating requests have gotten fewer (active daters, can you confirm?), but I doubt that it had stopped completely.

Pen pal sites, Social Networking sites, Business networking sites etc: They are not dating sites, and you should not assume that all women there want to be married to a man from Ghana. Do not disturb people who are not looking for love there, even if they were single. I know it is sometimes hard to understand why people would use a social site and still be annoyed for someone contacting them, but you just have to agree to disagree.

If you are on a strictly dating site, the type that has happy couples in the front, uses phrases like “dating site” (dead giveaway) “romance”, “love” and the sort, you are safe to assume that people there are looking for love. Regardless, they are not looking for just any kind of love:

Read their profile

To find out what the person is there for, read the profile! It’s that simple, always read the profile before contacting anyone. That is just common courtesy and wise. It gives you an competitive edge too, because a lot of people don’t read profiles. Pick something that you find interesting about it, and when you write the first message, mention that interesting thing, so the receiver knows you went through the trouble and you’re not just speeding through a bunch of pretty/handsome people.

“But that takes time and she/he still won’t reply, I know!”

If that’s what you’re saying, you’ve already lost. The best you can expect to get from this, is someone who is VERY DESPERATE to meet someone. People want to feel special, especially when it comes to the matters of love. If you send random messages to random people, you will give them the impression that you don’t care at all who’s going to reply to you as long as someone does, and that makes you seem desperate and thus undesirable.

You wouldn’t (hopefully) try to pick up every member of the opposite sex at a Entrepeneur’s Conference, so make sure you know why everyone has come to this place. Sure enough, there will be someone wishing for a fling at the conference as well, just as there will be at a normal social networking site, but you’ll have to know who the people are and how to approach them. Online it’s just that much easier: RTFP (Read the Fucking Profile.)

Online dating is not considered romantic by most people. This is, I think, because these people think it’s all too easy to type in the desired sex, age and location and click “search”. Obviously, they never tried it. Online dating is not easy. The advantages of it lie elsewhere, but it’s not about the ease of it. That assumption is also the reason why so many people fail. They go into it like they were using a shopping cart system, and are disappointed, when the response isn’t “your goods will be delivered to you within 3 working days.”

Dating online is easiest for the people who are fluent in people skills in general. The same people that don’t know what to say to women at a dance club won’t know any better online. The only group that gains significant advantage on online dating is the people who find writing a natural form of communication and speaking directly to people slightly scary – people like myself. This is why the belief that online dating is solely for losers, geeks and nerds is not true. Although geeks surely will find themselves more at home at the computer than at the disco bar, we’re still dealing with real, breathing people.

The advantage of online dating is that you don’t HAVE to go out to look for the right one, you can broaden your search outside your town, state or even outside your country (boy did I take that one to heart!) and do that at the time that is good for you. You will meet a lot more people than you would at your local bar, but you will also meet freaks and weirdoes in the same proportion. I’ve always said that the Internet is a great place for dating if you’re a loser or if you’re too picky for your own good. Being too busy aside, I don’t know why the average Joe would want to do online dating unless just for the interest in the method. That was a big motivator for me – besides being picky – I was utterly interested in the technical side of social internet. I’m betting I am not alone on that one, but there is probably more men out there with that side thought in mind.

We all belong to groups. Me for example, I am a woman, Barbie-collector, dog-person (or more specifically a spaniel-owner), nerd, photo model, fashion designer, migrant, wife… There are a lot of stereotypes to go with all of those groups. I’m in luck for not being blond and big breasted, I suppose, as that would give me a whole new stereotype. I even believe some of these things do come with a generic personality or even a body type (where you wouldn’t think it does). However I like to see these stereotypes as positive challenges rather than something I have to constantly “battle” against. Let’s take men and their attitudes towards women for example.

Let’s say I’m chatting with someone to get help with a php-script I’m working on, and find that my adviser is assuming I don’t know much about what I’m doing because I’m a girl, maybe. Do I take this as an insult towards my intelligence? Nope. I think it is a fair assumption to make that since I’m a girl I haven’t been involved with computers ever since I learned to crawl, and also most people, male or female, don’t know much about php. Instead I use language that indicates the level of my knowledge, and use the fact I am a girl to my advantage; If I don’t know something I’ll just say “you’ll have to excuse me for not knowing that, I’m just a girl you see. ” Do I downplay other women by saying that? Possibly, but I’m sure you girls can do your own fighting, and once most of us know what php.ini is, men can stop treating us as if we didn’t know.

Same thing with dating guys. I command to be treated as an individual. The way I do this is by not getting insulted every time a guy makes a reference to women who are bad drivers or who are too clingy or what ever. Let’s face it, there are a lot of women who drive really badly. I can handle my car, and the fact that other women can’t is an advantage to me and I can impress guys by knowing what a solenoid is. Most guys don’t know what a solenoid is and even though I have learned things I know mostly from guys, what sets me apart from other women is that I pay attention and I am interested in such matters. This in itself is impressive to most guys and what ever stereotypes people may have about women I take them as “they’re talking about the others, not me.” (Until they come up with a stereotype I fit in. Like girls like pink. I love pink, but since that’s true, it is not going to offend me.)

But knowing about guy stuff doesn’t mean you have to stop wearing pink and collecting Barbie. In fact, that’s just an attractive contrast to most guys. Femininity is a turn on as long as it doesn’t mean a complete shut down of the masculine side of things. I can watch AFL footy enjoying it tremendously while styling the hair of a Barbie. These things can go hand in hand if you allow them to.

I think one of the biggest flaws of a woman is to be touchy and easily insulted. Same goes with any group that gets insulted for every little thing that is said about them, like lets say black people who take offence every time someone mentions anything about black people, true or false. People who take themselves and their group too seriously are quite difficult to hang out with, and the last thing people want is to spend time with someone who is easy to offend. (It is because you have to throw your sense of humour out of the window and constantly be aware of what you say and how you say it so that it can’t be taken the wrong way. It is stressing and tiring.) There is one more advantage of treating yourself as an individual; it gives you a reason to do so with others as well. I swear I have never believed “All men are pigs” or anything similar, because to me each man is an individual to be found out. Sure, I have made generalisations of the like “Finnish men are hard to talk to” but at the same time I know that there are some Finnish men that are really easy to talk to.

Generalisations are sometimes often useful but they should not be treated as a fact. Each individual should be compared to the generalisation and decided where they are different, because it is very rare that a person will fit a stereotype in every aspect, and it is very rare that a person doesn’t fit any stereotype in any aspect. Also we need to be aware that some stereotypes are complete rubbish (like all black people steal) while some can be more accurate like “most men are not good at picking up women”. And it all starts by realising, that if you decide for that person what he’s going to think about you before you even give him the proper information about you, how is he ever going to know the real you? And if you think you can’t make men (white people, or the people who’s country you’re living in) change their mind about you, what does that make you? Someone who can’t let go of a prejudice, maybe?

My previous post spurred another thought. Why men and women behave drastically differently in the dating environments. It is pretty obvious really, but let’s put it out there nonetheless.

Women often complain about a flood of email that they really can’t respond to on a dating site, for the mere reason it is just a short description of the man (height, weight, hobbies, color of hair) who then finishes: “So if you are interested write back.” And the girl thinks to herself, that “Why would I be interested in that? You offer me nothing to base my decision on!” The man never thought he should tell more. He would take anyone who is interested, but cannot figure out Read the rest of this entry »

One of my all time favorite bloggers Alex Kay just published a guest post by yours truly. The topic is online dating and how to write the first email – advice for men. Please have a read (around) and post a comment, Alex is a great blogger to talk to – and so am I of course.

When I was around 16 and 17, I had my first boyfriends. I know I was a bit late to the game, but I was simply too shy to attract anyone before that. I had my odd admirer, but it was never mutual, or by the time it became mutual, the other party had moved on. :p Anyway, after the two first gos, I had every right to believe that all men are pigs, but a good sport as I am, I only thought these two were pigs.

The first one was an odd looking fellow called Mika. I can share his name, because about 2 out of 10 men of his age in Finland are called Mika. Like Mika Häkkinen for example. To the life of me I could not tell you his last name, either I have forgot it or I was never told what it was. Anyway, he was an odd looking fellow. Read the rest of this entry »