A Heureka-moment like no other

Posted by Sebastyn in Introspective | 0 comments

I’ve already written about finding my purpose in two posts before this, and this is the “part 3″. I am somewhat gob-smacked by this myself, as I thought I knew myself through and through, but I had still managed to ignore something very important.

I have always identified with artists, writers, mostly. I still do. I don’t have much of a respect for people who have titles in front of their names, or fancy careers that make most people go “ooo”, like doctors, architects, or similar. There is one profession though, that I’ve always had unquestioned respect for; psychologists. And it’s only now that I realize why: I’ve always wanted to be one.

I have also always told myself that I couldn’t be one. For reasons such as I’m an artist / writer, and have given the answer “writer” as a stock response to any questions of what do you want to do… Even though I couldn’t quite say what do I want to write about exactly. Then; I don’t want to go to a university, and lastly… My school didn’t offer sufficient basic studies in psychology. Now I look at these reasons and want to smack myself in the back of my head and then yell at myself for being so god damned stupid all this time. But let’s back up a little.

Last year has been a great year of healing for me. I have finally made peace with my mother, who has told me over and over to go to uni, get a career, study… Something, anything! And I’ve told her flat out no. I told her last year, that she’d better give up on hope of me ever getting a “real job” because that’s just not going to happen, ever! I think it was an important step though, because up until that moment, going to uni was going to be about pleasing my mother, and not because I wanted to go. My mother and education went hand in hand in my mind. They’re the best buds. And they both wanted to trap me into the rat race that they call life, and I was not going to let them do that.

After visiting home last (northern hemisphere) summer, I have talked with mum a bit more calmly than normal. That has been hard as there have been a great load of guilt between us, going both ways. This summer I think we finally saw each other as for who we were and not what we wanted each other to be, and it was a wonderful experience. After the trip, I’ve hardly given a thought to mum and what she expects of me. My husband said this Sunday, that “figuring out your relationship with your mum has been a full time job for you for as long as I’ve known you.” That is so true, so you can imagine what a relief it was when I finally understood the reasons why mum did some things that made me think as if she was judging me and not accepting who I was, and that what I thought was her being unsatisfied with my grades was not that at all, she was just keeping an eye on them like a good mother should. Granted, she could have made it clearer that she wasn’t displeased with my grades, but we all make mistakes, the main thing is that she wasn’t displeased.

Back to this Sunday, when I was having a grumpy bum day after a long grumpy bum week, trying to keep a brave face for my husband as he has enough on his plate without being aware that the only thing his wife wants to do is to die, the faster the better. But on Sunday, after he had a good week at the office and wasn’t under so much stress anymore, I told him what had been going around in my head lately. As he always does, he dropped everything to be there for me – and he took me to a forest which always gives a lift to my spirit. Being surrounded by trees and little critters you can’t see, but know are there, is the best of medicines. I was already feeling a lot better as we were driving back, when I said out loud, half jokingly, that maybe I should go study psychology at the Open Uni. He asked if that was what I wanted, and suddenly, I realized that I COULD ACTUALLY do that. The weight of the world lifted off, all the possibilities of life cleared up in my eyes, the things I could do if I was a REAL psychologist! I could actually ask people to tell me about their lives and not make them feel weird about it. I could help them, I could study them, I could write about everything I’d learn. Holy roopoo, people!

Although I know the answer to the question: “How the hell did you manage to ignore that for so long?!” I still can’t help but ask myself that. At any rate, I’m glad I figured it out now and not before, oddly enough. Now is the perfect time to go forth and study. An incident made me laugh yesterday… It lasted about 30 seconds, and I could write a 3000 word psychological assessment of what happened there between 3 people, myself included. And I couldn’t figure this one out before. Geesh!! XD

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