Co-dependency: Don’t love me too much or I’ll have to hurt you
My favourite group on Facebook has got me thinking again. (The INFP group. If you’re one, join!) They asked whether we were (generally speaking, as opposed to sexually) sadistic or masochist, and of course, everyone says they’re masochist, except me who confess to having sadistic feelings every once and again. (If you’ve ever wondered why I can so carelessly confess to things like this on a public blog, it’s because I’m a “scholar“, characteristically an open book.)
This is my actual response:
Well, I’ll be the first one who confesses sadistic feelings. (Surprise.) Not sexually though, I’m a sub, but at times I do enjoy causing (emotional) pain a bit too much for an INFP. I was going to soften that by saying that “to people who I think deserve it” but it’s not true. Sometimes I hurt people, simply because they love me too much and I want them not to, because they tend to want to limit my freedom or claim possession of me based on our friendship. The sadist comes out as I do enjoy the process, although I try hard to control myself, sometimes enjoying the ability of hurting someone rather than actually doing it. I am complicated. (I wonder if anyone really knows me…)
I’ll elaborate. During my life I’ve had friends who have clung onto me like a drowning man to the last straw. I don’t know if it’s a form of co-dependency, but I suspect it has something to do with it. I don’t often allow it, but sometimes I do, and it takes a toll on me. As I’m getting older, I can see the pattern of co-dependency already before it has fully unfolded, and with my current “attachment” I knew what was going to happen the minute I started talking to her, but I genuinely liked her and allowed her to “latch on”. (She doesn’t know how to use the computer so I’m speaking freely now.) At the moment we are in the stage where my friend is trying to wrap her tentacles around me (and my husband) in order to make our friendship permanent. That is exactly how I feel in these situations, like tentacles were wrapped around me and getting squeezed more and more and all you want to do is to fight back for your dear life.
The physical expressions of this kind of love and friendship are the hardest to bear. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE hugging my friends when I see them and when we depart, but I get chills when it’s these people with co-dependency issues want to hug me during our interaction, hold my hand while walking and stroke my hair at times… The only person who is allowed to do that is my husband (and before that, a boyfriend), and that ban includes all family members, none of whom would even want to go there…
So… We’re approaching the stage of our friendship when I have to start pushing this friend away, or rather when I need to establish some boundaries. Luckily as I know this upfront, I may find a way to tell her to back off before I resort to sadistic methods, that would probably kill the friendship altogether, which I don’t want.
Do you have experience of a friendship when there’s a co-dependency issue in there? How do you deal with co-dependency?
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INFP Childfree4 Comments
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About Me
I am a (anti-)feminist childfree INFP blogger, a life coach, and a writer. If you'd like me to write for your blog or other publication, don't hesitate to ask.
I am Finnish and live in Australia.
I have had a personal website in this address since 2001 and made my first personal site in 1998 - hooked ever since!
Er, I am one of those… Or would be if I had the possibility to be like that with someone I felt close enough to (or, at this point, even have anyone I feel close enough to). I see codependence as a requirement in a large degree for any decent relationship (otherwise you get this) and in an admittedly much lesser degree for very close friendships as well. So I won’t be trying to “deal”, but the one seeking out such behavior… And sadly coming up quite empty handed from the people I’d otherwise think I could get along with, plus, as you might expect, driving away said people when I act on it myself.
Also am very touchy feely (clear “physical touch” love language, in full effect for close friendships as well), so all those things you say you get chills from, yikes! (Not that it’s relevant in my case, not meeting anyone that even I would feel comfortable doing that with in so long…)
Meh… Sad… Your situation, hers, mine, everyone’s when it comes to this (and a whole slew of other things).
Gladly, she and I had a good talk and we understand each other a lot better now. She understands that my need for space is not a rejection, and I understand that I need to ask for that space before I have to hurt her feelings to get it. It would be difficult if she did think that it was actually a requirement for a friendship to have that level of co-dependence to be a “decent” friendship… I’m lucky that she understands that a friendship can only be real when both parties enter it from a level playing field. I think that if two equally co-dependent people would form a friendship, as weird as it might be… It might work. But I don’t know if it would end up like two anacondas in a strangle hold. I should probably look into that, interesting thought.
Well, generally codependence does require both to be similar in that respect. Otherwise the “co” part wouldn’t be there :p
codependency is something I struggle with, I believe. i don’t want to get close to everyone, or even the majority of my friends, but there are some people. well 2 , one is dead now, and the other I avoid talking to as much because I want something deeper with her and I know that is not what she wants. But I crave to achieve that level of closeness with someone special. But I know that it takes time and it has to be equal or mutual.