How to say the unutterable?
Do you know the feeling, when you’re watching someone with a ‘camel toe’ or bit of something stuck in their teeth? Or a stranger at a pub with her dress split all the way from the hem to the waist line being too drunk to notice? When you know it would be best for the person to be informed about what ever it is that is wrong, but you know that saying it out loud would be utterly embarrassing to the person? That stuff is hard. Then, let’s imagine that you know someone who consistently buys pants that give her a ‘camel toe’ being completely unaware of it herself, and you knowing that to let her know this, will require you to first explain to her what a camel toe is, and why it’s bad and then inform her that all her pants give her one? And you know you’re both going to suffer.
That’s already bad enough, but when you go into the real difficult stuff, such as you being afraid that someone is acting in a way that will eventually lead into big problems with her children, in other words: “you’re raising your kids wrong”, you’re really entering muddy waters. Or, you think someone’s behaviour is completely wrong either towards others or damaging to themselves, and it’s kind of a question of personality, you know the messenger is going to get shot. So what do you do? What CAN you do?
I seem to face these situations way more than I’d like to. As a forum administrator, it comes up often enough, when one member disrupts the whole community with behaviour that is clearly wrong. I’ve tried the indirect approach in those situations in order not to hurt anyone’s feelings, writing a new rule for the forum and telling people that this sort of behaviour is no longer cool. The trouble is that people who don’t do it, often get alarmed and apologetic: “Oh dear lord, what have I done, if I’ve done this, please everyone forgive me!” Then you have to go back and tell everyone that it wasn’t you, or you… Or her.. And end up writing a private message to the offending individual who most often didn’t even consider she might have done something wrong.
Once I had an acquittance who was really really negative. The most negative person I’ve ever known. She was the sort of person who would find something negative to say about a brilliant sunset on a beautiful summer day. I remember posting something… I think on Facebook, thinking that surely she can’t find anything negative to say about that, but sure enough she did. I felt that she was holding herself back too, because she would find something negative about everything she could try to further her career she wanted to pursue, preventing her from trying the simplest things. So I tried another indirect confrontation method of mine, writing a blog post.
I wrote the post about negative people, and waited her to read it. She did, and replied to it how much she agrees with me, how she hates negative people, and how her life is full of people like that, how she can’t understand how anyone could behave that way and all that. *Sigh*. Those are the worst. It is, indeed a rare thing that people that I write posts about find it to be about them. (Don’t get paranoid now! It wasn’t about you! I have confronted all the people who missed the original message one way or another.) In fact, it’s so rare that I don’t really consider it much of an intervention anymore because normally people miss it completely, but at least I get it off my chest. I’ve found that it is best to just come out and say it, even if it means loosing a friend, because sometimes the matter is so serious, that not saying it is worse than insulting the person to the core and losing a friend. Tough love…
One thing is for sure… You can’t be a friend of mine and expect me to turn a blind eye when I’m watching you drive your car straight at a train. I think I’ll need to print that on a T-shirt or a calling card, because people don’t expect friendship like that. They expect pats on the back and ego-boosting lies instead, but I’m not the one to turn to for that. With an old, very close friend of mine we joked about it saying: “Do you want the truth or just hear something pleasant?” We always opted for the truth, but our relationship was such that we could laugh it off afterwards. Sadly, we’re not that close anymore, but damn that was nice.
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INFP Childfree8 Comments
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About Me
I am a (anti-)feminist childfree INFP blogger, a life coach, and a writer. If you'd like me to write for your blog or other publication, don't hesitate to ask.
I am Finnish and live in Australia.
I have had a personal website in this address since 2001 and made my first personal site in 1998 - hooked ever since!
Pieces of my brain stream:
Camel toes. I think someone could sell panties preventing camel toes. If the crotch of the panties is made from a thick fiber, you get way less camel toe.
But in some pants, it can’t be avoided. When I grow up and have a multi-billion corporation where people do what ever I want, I’m gonna sell those.
But the main subject of your post makes me often confused too.
What to do when you shouldn’t interfere but you want to shout out loud that stooop, you’re gonna go so wrong!
Disguising brutality in to honesty is not what friends do, but I don’t think not being frank is what friends do either.
Sometimes I think I should just say like a little Frasier-parrot: “seek counseling”. But saying that when shopping with a friend might not give the best result…
If you have lot of social life, it can also get really exhausting cause people make so huge mistakes all the time (and don’t think that I don’t count myself in to this crowd too!).
In conclusion, I’d say the cure is saying (quietly in your head) “seek counseling”.
Kinda used in a same way as that zen-mantra “what would Jesus do” (which, apparently has nothing to do with Jesus, but everything to do with getting some kind of an calm feeling..).
Loove that honesty or pleasent-phrase. I’ve used it too
I’ll keep that in mind. “Seek counselling.” Does it work, or does it just delay the inevitable? :p I know you’re not one to mince your words too much or for too long, either!
You are very right pointing out that disguising brutality with honesty is not what friends do, that’s so very true.
Yeah, I’d say it works. Even puts a smile on your face occasionally so it’s easier to look like you agree…
Mincing words is certainly not my cup of minced meat… People who don’t know me but know my friends refer to me as “the straightforward Lilith”…
(yarrr, can’t go back to correct my grammar and spelling… Frustrating!)
This is not unutterable. This is unpleasant or uncomfortable.
Holding your child in your arms and trying to describe the love you have for her is something unutterable. The vastness of the universe. God. The finger pointing to the moon.
Unless the person has power over me, I just say it right out and then wait for the fallout if need be. But I’m often the one being told things just based on these things you mentioned (negativity, destroying self, that sort of stuff)… Which only mean that me and the person in question aren’t suited to be that close, because in a close friend I’m looking for similarity, agreement, kindred spirits/minds, so not to not be told that something’s wrong (hiding’s lying, and lying’s wrong), but for the behavior not to be considered wrong, and if it’ll eventually prove to actually be, then be wrong together.
If one’s close friends, 1-2-3 people (more than that and I don’t see how they could be called close enough anymore), and the person in question aren’t, as I said above, kindred spirits / minds and don’t form that support group, warped as it may be, for each other, then who will?
Interesting thought… And I think a lot of people seek that exact thing in friendship; unquestioned agreement, which is interesting in your case as you seem to seek disagreement in order to prove your own thinking… No wonder you have trouble finding friends; your goal is to find a friend to agree with you in every turn, while you cannot handle the thought of not being an original, unique thinker. You’ve got yourself into a bit of a pickle there.
Not that I ever found such a friend. And not at every turn, still like debates (when I can get myself up to having them) but to have the key aspects of who you are challenged by a supposed friend… Doesn’t quite sound right.
If there are disagreements on important issues, should at least just be on the path taken to achieve goals and with advice on a better one that’d still reach the same place and still allow you to be true to yourself. So “I know you want this, but maybe instead of trying X it’d be better to try Y, which would still let you be true to yourself but probably let you reach your goal sooner/better”, not “I know you want this, but it’s wrong and you should let it go” or “I know you say you’re like this, but you should change if you want to reach your goal”.
And still say you got that originality of thought thing wrong.