Yesterday my Facebook feed was full of reshared banalities presented in the form of great wisdom. One of them was the thought: “If we cannot agree with each other, can’t we at least respect each other’s views?” I thought about it long and hard and came to the conclusion that no, no we can’t. Obviously, this was not an answer to a certain issue, but rather weighing whether it was possible to genuinely respect everyone’s opinions and views or even their right to them, and I came to the answer, no it isn’t and no we shouldn’t. Why? I hear you scream. I’ll tell you why.

Let’s imagine a person loves fucking sheep. (New Zealander of course.) In his view, this does no harm to the animal and it is perfectly acceptable part of agriculture, just one of the perks. How much respect do you have for this person, his views? If you choose to respect his views, the sheep will get fucked until this ahole drops dead on one. Then he insists that men should be allowed to marry their sheep. The sheep can’t say yes, no matter how much the farmer loves one. How much respect do you have for this person and his opinions? Not much I’d hope.

There are some opinions and views that cannot be respected. If I hold an idea close to my heart – such as you cannot demand other people follow the rules of your religion (as in anti – gay marriage, anti-abortion, anti-premarital sex people think), I cannot respect their views, no matter how much I try. To me they are oppressive to other people’s views, and there for unrespectable. How can you respect such a view that inherently disrespects somebody else’s view so much they want to override it with a law? With all these, gay marriage, abortion and premarital sex, they all have something in common: If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it, and nobody is forcing you to even contemplate such thing. But the anti-group are saying that since we don’t want to do that, you can’t either. That is unrespectable. Utterly impossible for any fair minded person to respect, support or allow.

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Couple of days ago, could have been Valentine’s, I saw this random pick up line online and it’s been playing up on my mind ever since. Although it was meant to be just a cheeky pick up line, to me it seemed to hold a bigger truth than what first appears. It said: “The only thing your eyes haven’t told me is your name.” It makes me chuckle as I read it again. The thing is… Your eyes really do kind of deceive you – at least if the one looking is paying attention or trusts their intuition. It doesn’t really matter what you say exactly, if you’ve ever held your loved one in your gaze, looked straight in her eyes so that she can read your mind… Well, close to that at least! I don’t know, correct me if I’m wrong, but girls do trust the eyes, and sometimes you can’t hide your love even if you try! Of course if you try to hide it, you put a level of doubt in her mind, obviously, we’re all rational people here, but well, if you want to come back from that, what’s a better way to say “I love you” to a girl than “you are right”? XD Oh I can hear them squirm in delight! What girl doesn’t want to hear their guy say “you are/were right”? I’m joking. I’m so not joking.

If you mean online though… Never met the girl? You’re screwed, mate. Even if you think you love her, it doesn’t count. You can love an online persona like mad, but the god honest truth is that until you meet the person in flesh, you don’t know. The eyes have to meet, I’m certain of that. I’ve been there myself a few times… Online, great stuff, once you meet… Blah. One look in his eyes and you know it’s not going to go anywhere. It’s like online you can see the love in his eyes, but he’s not really looking at you, is he? He’s looking at a (web) camera, imagining someone he loves or someone he thinks he’s going to love… Not you. You might love those eyes, but they are not for you, necessarily. They may be, but you just don’t know until you’re there with him.

So. To do list. (Connect the dots for him real close, says Dr Phil)

1.  Ask yourself: “Have I looked her in the eye, deeply?” Check? If so, if it’s true, she knows. Free to move to step two and

2. actually say it. She still needs to hear it.

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Acknowledgements: http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1325671

Mothers. Mothers?! Yes, mothers, not men. Allow me to explain.

Take a moment to think about this. Take any woman, a mother or not, and ask them what do they think about sexual double standards that claim that men are studs and women are whores if they have numerous partners. I would claim that most of them would climb on barricades to declare that women have an equal right to sexual pleasure and multiple partners, it’s not the 70′s anymore! Now imagine the likelihood of one of these same women explaining to her son that she will be fine with her son bringing home a girl who has had more sex than he has. Do you think a mother would ever say this to her son: “She’s had 20 more partners than you have, but that’s FINE. Don’t you dare judge her for that!” Not gonna happen, am I right or what? (Okay, yeah, there are mothers who would say that, and most would not be asked and even if they were, they might not say anything which is the method I would prefer – to have as little influence on a child’s sexual development or behaviour as possible – but let’s just say the men who do harbour double standards get it from their mothers.)

This is where another double standard is born. Sexual freedom is all fine as long as it’s not my son or daughter out there doing it! They deserve… Yes. Better. *That was a whisper.* The ehrm, sluts are all fine for other men, but my son deserves someone a little less tainted. Preferably someone who has had none… Maybe one, two… boyfriends? Long term, obviously, but not too long!

Same goes with the daughters. It’s all fine and dandy for the neighbours girl to get down and dirty with the neighbourhood boys and the footy team – don’t you dare judge her, but MY daughter… She’s better than that. She wouldn’t even want to. And of course the mother will somehow, over the years, make their daughter believe that too; She doesn’t want that sort of relationship. Not you. You are above that.

Daughters being the question, I would imagine some fathers like to take a protective approach too, but with their son’s morals, it’s most likely the mother doing the slow brain washing. Dad wouldn’t. He’d just go yeah, you know: “You go son” *whisper behind mum’s back* while the mother slowly feeds into the “no dirty sluts for my boy” idea.

Where does it come from? I don’t know… I don’t think anyone wants to think of their relative, close relatives especially, in a sex act. Any hint of such thing makes your skin crawl. If it’s a son or daughter… Even worse. No matter what their age, in your mind you see your innocent little child giving/getting a blow job, and that’s not a good feeling, is it? No. I don’t have a child and I can say for certainty that I would not like that idea one little bit.

But as we grow up, we must give up that idea for ourselves, me thinks. For our own good, that is. Would you really want to date / marry / do a virgin? Like, really? I’m sure some of you sickos would find it appealing. (Kidding! I understand the appeal… But after the first time… Unless you’re 19, you pretty surely want to move on and find someone with a bit of experience in the matter… Provided you’re not a mommy’s little boy at 30.

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Acknowledgements: image http://www.sxc.hu

Sometimes it happens. I know this because movies portray this quite often, so it must be true, right? Without experiencing it, we can all imagine it, can’t we? Sometimes we fall in love so deeply, that there is no way out no matter how much we try. It doesn’t make sense half the time, you have no reason to hope but you hope against all hope that maybe… After all. If years go by, you need to struggle through that love, by loving others, sometimes gritting your teeth, sometimes rather easily, but with that nagging feeling that you are not really in it with all your heart. Sometimes even the thought of the undying love is so painful, that you don’t think about it… You push it to the back of your mind and lock it up… Only allow through those that didn’t mean that much… I’m sure we love a whole bunch of people during a life time, especially in case where the bunch is only a substitute to the one.

Is one to be considered blessed or cursed if one experiences love like this? Hard to say, if you would ask someone who has, I doubt they could answer. Blessed curse. And fear… It’s one thing loving someone from afar, than actually surrender to it… To the danger of it not being as perfect as it feels from afar… Or that it disappears completely. Better intense love from afar than no love at all, I suppose. How many times have we gone one way because the intensity of one love was just too much to handle? People are weird. Our stupid conscious bodies are built for self-preservation, and oh does that play tricks on us!

On this Valentines day I think of those whose hearts are full but empty at the same time. Wish you courage.

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Acknowledgements: http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1330924

Couple of weeks ago I got a pendulum for myself. If you are unfamiliar with it, a pendulum is any weight suspended in a string. I went with the traditional one myself, chain and a crystal, in the photograph. I am still learning pendulum dowsing, but I wanted to give you some tips on how to use a pendulum.

How to use a pendulum

It is surprisingly unimportant what kind of a pendulum you choose. I’ve tried a paper clip in a rubber band and it works as well as my pointy crystal. The difference between a crystal and a paper clip is that it would be incredibly hard using a pendulum dowsing chart with a paper clip. But to start with, it could be anything. You should choose what ever method you feel happy with, one popular make-shift pendulum is using a (wedding) ring in a chain.

How to use a pendulum for the first time

For most people, the first time you try pendulum dowsing nothing will happen. To me this was important, or I would have thought it was just my hand moving it somehow. However, some people will get it the first time, in fact, both of my friends who tried it, got it going instantly. However, you should learn fairly quickly even if nothing happens the first time. I got the pendulum in the mail around noon, and by 5 pm I got my first “swing”.

Choose a spot that is as far from all electrical appliances or power-lines as you can possibly get (within reason).

First, you hold the pendulum string between your thumb and index finger. It is important to hold it in a way that you don’t obstruct the movement of the pendulum, and if you can choose a thinner chain than the one in the picture (it came with he pendulum but I have later changed it) it would be better. A thick chain will make it hard for the pendulum to swing evenly, however it won’t matter to start with. Make sure the chain or string doesn’t fold over your fingers, but hangs directly down from your fingers. (If it happens your energies are already flowing and the pendulum won’t stop, just tell it to ‘stop’ or ‘wait’ and it should stop.)

Now, tell your pendulum to “show yes”. This will vary from person to person, but I’ve read most women receive a clockwise circle for ‘yes’, men get a counter clockwise swing, usually, not always. The important part is to find out what your pendulum thinks ‘yes’ is. If nothing happens, you can take a break and hold onto your pendulum carrying it around and tuning it to your energies, and try again a little later.

If and when you get a yes, then ask your pendulum to “show no”. The swing should change, usually going the other way in a circle than what it just did. Then, ask the pendulum to “show maybe”. If you get all these answers, then you are ready to move to the next part.

How to use a pendulum when practising

Now, you should try practising pendulum dowsing. Ask questions you already know an answer to. Good questions are: “Is my name X?” “Do I live on….” “Was I born in….” You should form the question so that the answer should be yes or no, so you get to practise both ways. Then, ask something that you ‘think’ you know an answer to, like something your gut tells you but you don’t have a factual answer to. Something like: “Can I trust my friend….” or “Is …. the right career path for me?” Your pendulum will probably give you an answer, but try not to ask a question with tons of emotion stacked on it, such as: “Does….. really love me?” because you haven’t learned the tricks to keep your own wishes, fears and preconceptions out of the picture yet. Of course you can try these questions, but don’t take the answer for god’s word quite yet, not before you do the next part.

How to use a pendulum accurately

You will get some wrong answers. That is the trouble with a pendulum, it is receptive of your own wishes, fears and all that. To remove them from the picture, you should write an agreement with your dowsing system. Yes, you got that right! There is a good basic “program” written on Letter to Robin, a basic dowsing guide for beginners. You may want to read the whole booklet, but my link points directly to the meat and bones of it, as I saw it. The program includes some terminology that you may not understand or that might not be relevant to the way you dowse, so you may want to read the book to understand what the program involves, and possibly rewrite it to suit your needs better. I personally rewrote it. The purpose of the program is to ask the dowsing system to ignore your fears, wishes, hopes and dreams, and give you the truthful answer when ever hearing the truth is for your best interest. (It isn’t always, as I’ve learned.)

How to use a pendulum wisely

Don’t jump into conclusions when you get your first answer. The trouble with your spirit guides and higher self is that they answer exactly what you ask. Be very clear in your mind about what you want to know, and form a question with a bit of thought. It is also a good idea to recheck the answer by asking a question in another way. Such as, simplified: “Is my name Riina?” (I would get) “Yes”. “Is it true that my name is Fanny?” (I would get) “No”. Also, think about alternative meanings… Such as me, I wanted to know whether a shop I needed was still in the location it used to be. I asked for it and got a “yes”. I went to see, the shop wasn’t there. Well, that’s what I thought. What my guides probably meant was that the building is still there, but the owners and what they offered was not.

Also, repeat questions another day, especially if your gut tells you there’s something not quite right.

How to use a pendulum safely (people who think it’s like an Ouija board, listen up)

Before you start, it is a good idea to ground yourself and protect yourself from malicious spirits and interfering energies. To add to that, it would be a good idea to ask your guides to protect your home. It’s simpler than you think, and I’ll just link you to a website that explains how to do both quite nicely. In short, you will connect yourself with the Earth core, and the Guides, and then create a protective shield for yourself and tell all spirits and forces not approved or invited by your guides to go away.

Sometimes you might notice your pendulum doesn’t swing as strongly as normally. You may then ask if there are interfering energies around, and you may get a yes. If that’s the case, do or repeat your protection exercise, and when finished, ask if the energies are now clear. Your pendulum should swing more ‘eagerly’.

Things to note when using a pendulum

Sometimes your guides will tell you what you need to hear instead what is the truth. I noticed this fairly fast, as my guides know me. They knew that if they would tell me the truth, I would rush into that direction so fast, that I hadn’t had the time to stop and think it through, to consider all aspects of what that truth entailed. (Typical Aries.) So, if you get an answer you didn’t expect or that you feel is false, don’t discount the whole thing but consider if there might be reasons that you had to get a false answer for your own good.

For advanced users, there are things like pendulum dowsing charts around. You can print them out online or draw them yourself (if you have a good idea on how to use them). Some of them are easy to use, some not so much (like the alphabet dowsing charts… I need some practise)! I include this information so you don’t feel like you’re forever limited to yes or no answers. Remember to always ask if you should, can or may add a new tool into the system, such as dowsing chart, and also ask if you should use the specific chart or other tool. For example my dowsing system refused to play with a certain pack of charts for some reason, they kept telling me there was something wrong with them. I still don’t quite know what was wrong, but I found another source and they’re fine with them.

What you can ask of your pendulum

First… The pendulum in itself doesn’t have powers. What moves it is your own energies guided by your spirit guides and other forces. (All of which we may not be aware of.) This means, that it won’t tell you anything you don’t have an access to, what you wouldn’t know otherwise. Often this means predictions. If you are not psychic, you won’t turn into a psychic just because you own a pendulum. You may however ask your pendulum whether or not you have psychic abilities that you’re not aware of. Even if you have psychic abilities, it might be best to ask for probabilities than actual predictions. “Is it likely / possible that this will happen?”

Whether you are psychic or not, to start with you will want to err on the side of caution, and take any responses you get with a grain of salt. As my friend told me: “Run it through your bullshit detector first”.

A good phrase…

Often, there is no yes or no answers to the simplest of questions. There’s no “good” or “bad” most of the time. So, this phrase is really good to get around that: “All things considered, is it optimal that…” That will give a basis to get the best possible answer, rather than simple yes or no.

Have fun!!

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We all have been told a million times how to behave when you’re on a discussion board. There are some very common practises that webmasters do though, that are driving me crazy, and kill any wish to participate into a discussion. That is why I mainly run my own discussion boards, because I can easily control the administration practises on them – being the only one. Let’s go through a few do’s and don’ts, shall we?

1. Try not to be condescending when you point out that someone has posted in the wrong board.

It happens to the best of us; Sometimes we post in the wrong place. I did that last week, after frequently participating on several boards for the last 10 years or so, never being told I was out of line. I was mortified when a forum mod told me that “this board is not the place for your post”. This happened after I had read through each of the board descriptions and as nothing seemed to fit my post, I posted it on the board that said: “… and everything that doesn’t fit anywhere else”. I thought that would be the safe option, but I was pretty much told off by the admin and I think they updated my status somehow so that a notice “read the guidelines for newbies, this means you” came up! You betcha I din’t feel welcome! I had even thought that I could hang out on the board a bit as I had gained some experience using their product for about 5 years, and could be of some help to some new users… Let’s just say I’m not thinking that anymore.

The way I see it, if people post in the wrong board means that your navigation isn’t clear enough. Secondly, if your forum software doesn’t allow you to just move the topic to a more suitable location without treating the poster like a criminal, you have chosen the wrong software! By just stating that the post is in the wrong place and not moving it you’re forcing the user to break yet another rule: Do a double post. Both of these problems are things that you as the webmaster should work out, and you should rather apologise for the bad organisational functions of your board than treat the posters like they’ve done a poop on your dining table!

2. When you tell people they should not reply to an old (dead) thread AND that they shouldn’t repeat topics, you’re not making much sense.

When people face situations in their lives or using different products that they need support for, the situations can be similar, but they are still often slightly different. You CAN point them to a direction of an earlier topic, but you should do it respectfully (hope this helps, but if not please tell us more) and again, not treat them like they were idiots. No matter how many idiots there are not using the search function (and if your search function isn’t good enough, it’s again not their fault) you should assume for the first few times that this particular poster has done their best to find a solution for their problem prior to posting. If the same user repeatedly asks questions that have already been answered, then you might consider the possibility that you’ve done your job properly as a webmaster.

In my forum rules I have actually stated this: “Try to keep to a topic, and reply to even old topics when it suits, but do NOT reply to a topic by stating that we have already discussed that matter. We all love this topic, and that’s why we’re here, so a little repetition won’t kill anyone. Also, a good laugh is always more important than staying in the topic.” I was especially strong worded about this on a peer-support board, where people were going over their traumas… You need repetition. Each person needs to tell their story, reading that someone has gone through a similar trauma is not nearly as helpful. Often in tech support the situation isn’t exactly that much different. Some users may be so afraid of trying out new things, like your product, that they are nearly going through a trauma while settling in with your product. That’s the last time you want to insult their intelligence.

3. Shut down non-admin-policing

NOTHING is more annoying than a regular member that does the above, and the more frequently they do this, the more annoying it is. Either make them an admin and tell them that when you’re correcting people, be condescending only after they break a rule for the 5th time, or email them and tell them that you don’t need help administrating the forum at this time. If they continue doing this, seriously consider banning them, because this sort of behaviour is very disrupting and can drive people away from the board, no matter how much they like your board. (People won’t say much, because they usually treat this member as an authority, and some will even mistake them for an official administrator to start with. They also think that other members support this behaviour.) But again, if you have a board with someone doing your job for you… You should step up to the plate yourself – or officially appoint someone do that for you.

4. If you make your forum rules excessive or too lenient, you may lose members

Often when I join a forum, I read the forum rules to figure out what kind of a webmaster or administrator is running this board. Your rules are not only about making sure everyone behaves, but they are also a GREAT way to introduce your forum to your new users. The rules that are in place on a forum tells a lot about the culture, and that is why webmasters should not take them lightly. Depending on your the kind of discussion board you’re running, you may want to add a bit of humour or a casual tone into your rules, to make sure it is understood that your forum is a fun and relaxed one, rather than something you’d expect from a boarding school. Your rules also reveal what kind of members you have, or have had, because you’re likely to adjust your rules accordingly – which is a good idea. As a webmaster, you have to find a balance between a “everything goes” atmosphere and “you all do as I say or I’ll ban you on the spot” -attitude.

5. Having favorites amongst forum members is bad

A webmaster or forum administrator should avoid at all cost being caught as favouring a member over another, even if you do like a member over another one. You should do your best to make sure all rules apply to everyone the same way and there are no exceptions - apart maybe from yourself and your team… However, make sure you are making these exceptions for the best of your forum, and not as an ego booster for you or team.

6. Choosing the moderator team is crucial

It is probably the biggest decision you will make as a forum administrator, that who is going to become your a part of your moderator team. I have made a wrong choice myself, and I’ve heard countless of sad stories of people who have chosen the wrong person to trust. A good tip is to keep an eye out for people who WANT TO become moderators… That’s usually a bad sign. Power hungry people are drawn to the position of an administrator, and they should not be given power. You must find someone who is fair, who is not too eager to edit or delete posts at the slightest provocation, and someone who you can trust to have your forum’s best interest at heart. Remember this: Just because someone is technically skilled enough to become a moderator, it doesn’t mean they should be. This task requires more people skills than technical skills.

……….

These sort of practises make your board feel very unwelcome to join, and people who are shy to participate or are new to the whole thing are more likely to stay as “lurkers” because they don’t want to be told off. If you are running a “casual, relaxing and fun” board, it is even more important to stop doing this. It is not even that you’re insulting the offending members, sometimes when I read replies of this sort made to other people, I feel like c*** on their behalf. If you are running a board that you know that no topic can never be on the gray area between two boards, and you know every poster is familiar with your structure and with your definitions of topics, feel free to continue this condescending behaviour. If not… You know what to do: Put a sock in it!

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Acknowledgements: http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1191484

Justin, a parent, wrote about twitter hash tag #childfree a few days ago, with some pretty good observations about the childfree crowd. He posed some questions that I would like to answer on behalf of the whole childfree community. Hahah, say that and you’ll be sure someone disagrees strongly. (I don’t mean that seriously.)

His first question is a bit of a funny one, really, he asks: “Firstly: why does this defensive subculture even exist?”

It never even occurred to me someone might consider it a subculture, but maybe it is. If being a parent is a subculture, that is. And I suppose it is. Why does the subculture of parenting exist? Because people have kids. Why does the sub culture of childfree exist? Because some of us choose not to have kids. Fairly simple, I thought. (This goes with the term “childfree movement” that I also find funny.)

The reason why I became interested in using the term “childfree” is because I felt I was drowning in mothers online. Every blog written by women my age seemed to be about children, children’s activities and endless playdates and other mother-specific issues. I simply had nothing to talk to them about, I don’t even have extended young family members that I could talk about. So I started looking for a way to find people who didn’t have children, and soon enough found the term “childfree” and I  haven’t had trouble with blogs written by people whose avatar picture is of a person under 5 years of age and who go by the name “MomOf2″ since.

Second: why are they appropriating semantically incorrect terminology?

Now that is a better question. Personally I’ve never liked the term childfree much, although I’ve now started using it over my preferred term “childless by choice” which I like for the simple reason it’s semantically correct, never mind the undercurrent of “less” “without, void, lacking”. I write a whole chapter about this in my book about being childless by choice. The reason why I use it, personally, is because it’s short and it explains my stance on having children in one word and it is the largely accepted term amongst people who share my position. (They’ll find the blog/book easier.)

As far as the #childfree hash tag on Twitter goes, I missed that fight completely, which I’m quite happy about actually. There was a time when I had email notifications for Twitter coming in every time someone mentioned “childfree” or “childless by choice”. I admit it annoyed me when people used the term childfree in vain, to indicate that they got 2 hours away from the kids… But it’s seriously not a massive issue, is it? (Why are parents allowed to use semantically incorrect terminology?) The thing is that “childfree” is the best we’ve got. Other terms include “childfree by choice” which to me sounds like you’re actually infertile but you decided, by choice, to embrace that condition, and childless by choice has the trouble that it doesn’t indicate permanence of the choice, as it could be used in “I’m childless by choice for now” meaning I will probably have children once the time is right. The bonus of that one is that it’s less aggressive. It is the aggression that caused me to stop the notifications, I found myself to be constantly annoyed and felt I had to stop focusing on childfree stuff.

I agree completely on Justin’s point of how childfree people can come off as being insecure and defensive about their life style choice… HOWEVER. The society does tend to push people, women especially, into having children. I think gay people know this same feeling quite well, being told that something you know you want and need is somehow wrong or unnatural, and worse yet – other people feel like they know what you TRULY want better than you do. Don’t you think you’d get defensive if the society at large would repeatedly tell you they know something about your true wants and motives that you knew were not the slightest bit true? Let’s assume suddenly someone (an influential psychologist for example) decided all men had an instinctive need to have sex with their own child, and therefore all touch and tenderness would be interpreted as interlude to incest… Don’t you think you would get slightly defensive about wanting to hug your daughter? This is what childfree people face quite often in reverse. Getting sterilised for example… Not easy for a woman who hasn’t had a child yet. Why? Because apparently we don’t know our minds as well as other people do. Can you imagine how angering it is at the age of 30 to be still treated like a teenager that will one day “grow out of it”?

Also, when you interact with other childfree people, these experiences tend to “ten fold”. Not by actual instances of it, but by reading others’ experiences over and over. The same thing repeats often, not necessarily in your own life, but in other’s lives. It’s easy to get upset on behalf of others. It doesn’t help when completely rational parenting types don’t BELIEVE this happens. Why would they believe? They’re rational, nor they ever have to face the questions and comments that the irrational ones would make to the childfree about why they are not having children. (If you don’t believe, try reading through the comments section of any openly childfree article on a popular website. Mine won’t count, it’s fairly silent as far as comments go.)

The selfishness of having children comes from the repeated slur against the childfree, that it is a selfish choice. I agree it is, but not any more so than wanting a child is. (Give me one unselfish reason for having a child. Even in the best case it’s all about the parent’s need to nurture and offer a loving home to a child that doesn’t exist yet nor have to exist.)  On a grand scale though, I do maintain that having more than 3 children IS selfish in a way that is harmful to others, or at least inconsiderate. Why? Overpopulation. I doubt that parents with more than 3 children would go into it thinking “fuck mother Earth, I want one more child and Earth can choke on their litter”, but I am saying they are not considering it from the point of view of the Earth. If they did, no parent of 2+ children would ever dare call themselves “green”, not in western cultures, even though the impact of big families are directly observable in third world countries, it is the children of western cultures that actually harm the planet most. The green aspect is rarely the primary motivation of any childfree person, but it is a nice bonus to know that our choice, despite of its inherent selfishness is not indirectly harming anyone else the way having children is.

Now… There are different types of people who are childless by choice. Some are obnoxious. They are the ones that openly hate children, who wish ill for parents and children alike and who would jump to the chance to attack a parent, ANY parent. I personally don’t want anything to do with those people. Unfortunately, they tend to be quite loud. There are childfree online communities that have been taken over by these people when the moderators don’t cut that crap into the bud, because the sensible ones simply don’t find the tone of discussion interesting or even slightly entertaining. (Although I do love the joke: “Oh I love children, but I couldn’t eat a whole one!”)

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A woman wants a baby, the man doesn’t. A woman has two options: 1) Play fair or 2) “oops” him. “Oopsing” means going off the pill or other contraception and lying to the man that birth control has been taken care of in order to get pregnant despite the man’s wishes.  This can be done in various ways and in various situations, but the bottom line is that the woman gets a baby and the man gets to “do the responsible thing” and take care of the child and sometimes the mother to boot. The term “oopsing” comes from the explanation given to the unexpected pregnancy: “it was an accident!”

Let me ask you this: Doesn’t this make you sick?

This behaviour has been accepted in the society for far too long. Not only have we been turning a blind eye to it, women openly admit doing it, mothers encourage their daughter-in-laws do that to their sons, and everyone knows someone who has done it or have it done to them.

Would it be fair to compare “oopsing” to rape?

When men rape women, they excuse it by having urges and needs that they cannot control, and that the woman was “asking for it” or that “she wanted it, but just didn’t know it“. When women “oopses” men, they say they have a desperate urge to have a child, a need to become a mother and that they know that deep down the man wants a baby. Why are those things acceptable excuses when they come from a woman, but from a man they’re not? When did “no means no” stop being relevant?

Does a child excuse it?

Women might claim that “oopsing” is acceptable, because it results into a beautiful innocent child. However, so does rape. Again, how is this different? A raped woman is not expected to want to keep the child, even in the strictest abortion jurisdiction it’s usually acceptable that a raped woman is entitled to an abortion. The same isn’t true for a man who has been “oopsed”, instead not only does he need to accept the fact he’s been “harvested” without his will, but he also needs to pay child support. Sometimes the man is expected to marry the woman, and “do the right thing”, but at the very least she is “deserving” of respect.

It’s not violent like rape is.

The only somewhat good excuse is that a rape is violent where as “oopsing” is done to a man who is a willing participant in the sex act. However, a rape can be performed without a woman being aware of it (drugs) and even though she would have no memory of the event, it doesn’t take away from the seriousness of the offence. Also, if the man WOULD BE aware of what the act was about, it would change the willingness of their participation quite dramatically, but also would make it a lot harder for the woman to complete the act. There are some obvious physical differences in play, but I don’t believe it makes the act any less abhorrent.

It’s hard to prove

Yes,  it probably is. There are plenty of crimes that are hard to prove, a lot of them sexual in nature. That shouldn’t be a reason not to criminalize it. There are probably ways to medically assess things like how long ago a birth control pill was last taken regularly – it usually takes quite a long time for the hormones completely leave the system. There might be a way to make sure a pill contains a harmless ingredient (or several) that has a very specific time frame in which it leaves the system. Normally if a woman really doesn’t want to get pregnant, she keeps taking the pill regularly but misses a day or two maximum in which time conception is possible. In that light, she should be still taking the pill at the time she takes a pregnancy test, and if she wants to get pregnant it’s more than likely she hasn’t taken it for quite some time.

Then there’s the morning after -pill, if she really didn’t want to accidentally get pregnant after a condom broke, she would have taken the morning after -pill, at least where available. There’s so many ways to prevent a pregnancy these days that there really shouldn’t be much of a reason for an “oops”. If there has been a prior conversation that has clearly stated that the man did not wish to have children at this time, it should be a reasonable cause to suspect foul play.

At any rate, the fact that the strategy would be criminalized would send a clear message to the society that it is NOT ACCEPTABLE. Even that would be a good start.

How can this be legal? 

I have no answers to this one. It shouldn’t be legal. There is absolutely no justification why it should be. Or is there? Give me your best shot.

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Have you ever thought about the unfair pressure that men are under to be Good Men? If you’re a girl, you probably haven’t. If you’re a guy, you probably have ignored it. That’s usually the way it works. To me it’s kind of funny – if it wasn’t so angering – how very average women make these wildly unrealistic expectations on what their men should be like and act like, expecting them to be masculine all the while as they’re doing their best to cut their balls off. How can you be masculine when you’re constantly being told what to do and how to do it right? This is not only in a nagging -wife mode either. It comes through on TV, in banal Facebook status updates and in normal conversations with people. What men must do in order to be ‘enough’. What he can’t do if he doesn’t want to be seen to be an asshole, and how any man who doesn’t do what they are not allowed to do is probably a liar and a cheat. Men have to learn what each woman likes in bed. They have to be loving and caring to make us love them and at the same time be masculine and scary to turn us on. They have to open doors, pay the bill and carry bags for us. They have to earn a good living and be home by dinner. They have to defend our honour whether we expect it of them or not. They have to dress neatly (or not) and have that rough look about them. He has to love kids and animals. They have to be able to make you laugh, they have to be tall and handsome and wear the right stuff but not be too gay about it. They have to be flirty and fun and attractive, but not so attractive that they would attract competition from women who are out of ‘my’ league. They have to know the right bra size and the perfect gift to buy or they can be seen as a chauvinist for turning up with a wrong size (either way is worse!) or… Well everyone knows kitchen appliances are not cool but hey… A woman never stopped to think the thought behind the kitchen appliance: “I know you cook a lot, and I want to make it easier for you, I don’t want you to have to slave away in the kitchen when we could be together. Maybe this will make things easier for you.” Of course he also has to find time for the gym and parenting classes and his own hobbies – nobody wants a pussy for a husband! Men simply do not have enough hours in the day to achieve all of it. Some of these expectations are made by women, some by culture, and some are put there by men themselves, but it is us girls, as a collective who enforce these rules.

What do we think we have to do in return in our own opinion? … Can you hear the crickets? …. We don’t have to do jack shit. We just need to be reasonably thin and curvaceous (not perfect) and that is pretty much enough for the average bloke. We THINK all men want is our bodies, but that’s not true. What ever expectations women feel pressure for comes primarily from us, because your average guy considers her good looks an added bonus, not a #1 requirement. In addition, we can talk to them in what ever manner we please, especially if we do have the looks, and they take it as a cute thing we do. We can bitch all we want and they will smile to us understandingly. We can ley in bed while they do all the work, and they will be grateful for us allowing them to do what they do.

Traditionally, men make the initiative but women choose. That is again something that the men have to put themselves on the line for. They have to come to us, reveal their expectations and hopes concerning us, often only to be shot down. If we are kind to them, we give them the green light, and invite them to us by a big smile. Some of us are too shy to do that though. Imagine what the men must be going through. They see you, your confidence, your friends, your look and judgement. But he still decides to approach you, to give you the option of turning him down. These days some girls call themselves bitches announcing that they are proud of it too. I understand, I used to be one of them. I was sick of men approaching me all the time. I thought they should keep to their own league and/or wait for my sign. Use a bit of judgement. But, now I kind of understand that they go through rejection so many times that at the end of the day it doesn’t matter if they get one more, as long as there is a chance… And at the end of the night, they forgive us, simply because we are women.

I am not saying that our demands are completely unreasonable. Most of them are reasonable, especially if we prioritise and cross some things off the list, and I do think some men could demand a little bit more of us to be honest. What I am talking about is that certain set of unwritten rules that are not really our individual demands but collective, what we have all accepted as being something a man has to be. These demands have been instilled upon the men before we had anything to do with them, and we can sometimes be quite cruel to those who don’t meet the expectations. (”What do you mean you didn’t know you can’t wear those shoes here?”) We don’t really need to say that to them, we just disregard that guy and move on to the next. But the men will know there was a reason for it, whether they know what the reason was, is a different thing, leaving them second-guessing it all. We tell them we would rather just be friends, and we both know why – he didn’t meet our demands.

Don’t get me wrong. I am one of the most demanding women out there. I want my man to be this and that and a little bit of the other, the only thing, of the common list, I don’t really want/need him to be is a family oriented man with a big wallet. What I am saying is that we have to learn to respect men the way they respect us, because men are sensitive. They hurt when we say cruel things to them. They want our love just as bad as we want theirs. They too feel abandoned when we don’t call them back. I believe there are so many men with a commitment phobia for the mere reason that we have so much power over them. This is not a men’s world… We are, in essence, in control of every aspect of a man’s life from the time he turns 13. They have one escape, work. That is where women have to perform. Is it a wonder it is dominated by men? They deserve it if you ask me. Elsewhere, we can dictate these impossible expectations and fluffy pink pillows on them, and they will do everything in their power to comply. If they can’t they can pull out of the equation and become a player. I fully understand that. If I was in their shoes, I wouldn’t want anything to do with most of the women I’ve met either.

Men are amazingly forgiving creatures, so forgiving, that they don’t even realise how much they put up with. I was watching a TV show the other day. It was a show called “Taken Out” in which there’s one person standing in front of a group of people of the opposite sex, revealing bits of information about himself or herself. After each detail this person reveals of themselves, the members of the opposite sex turns their lights off when they decide they are no longer interested to go on a date with them. The men never insulted the women when they decided to turn their lights off. Their reasons were very very valid. On contrast, the women were really cold, clearly enjoying the permission to actually say what they thought. (“I’m sorry, I just don’t like your hair.” *Snicker snicker.*) One of the women who had to take criticism after lights were turn off on her, insulted each man after their verdict. But what surprised me was that no man turned their lights off on her even though she was such a sore loser, nor did they talk back to her like she did to the men. I would have, in an instant turned my lights off, and told her exactly why I thought she was a cold arrogant bitch… But then again, I’m just a girl. I don’t have the heart and forgiveness the men have. In the end, the bitch had the audacity to say that she didn’t care about the men who pulled out as she was “just getting rid of the idiots” – and let me tell you this. Even if she had been Miss Universe, all the men in the group were too good for that kind of treatment. I feel sorry for the bloke who had to take her out in the end.

And there is another difference. When we get rejected, we’re quick to announce that it is their loss, but you know what? Often it isn’t. We are NOT THAT AWESOME, half of the time. If he doesn’t like you, he probably has a fairly good reason to, because I can tell you with 99% certainty, that HE won’t turn you down just because you didn’t wear the right dress that night. Women tend to judge a book by its cover with zero understanding of the PERSON inside. They tend to see men as MEN (alien species?) instead of people, and regrettably often this view doesn’t improve with maturity.

WOMEN, before you start crying:

The first responses I got to this article (elsewhere) was by women who stated they don’t do this, and by golly, they have never met women like this. I have to wonder under what rock they’ve lived, are they blind, naive or unbelievably lucky not knowing what I am talking about. Men are constantly under tremendous pressure to perform, to do well, to be enough for their women. We complain about unrealistic expectations on our bodies, unequal treatment at work, home and what not, but if men complained about half of the things we do to them… Before you say you are not like this or that you know nobody like this… Take a moment, and also understand the term “collective” vs. “individual”. Just because YOU don’t do all this, doesn’t mean men don’t feel the pressure of these expectations. And I’m also not saying that all men are perfect saints, of course.

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My favourite group on Facebook has got me thinking again. (The INFP group. If you’re one, join!) They asked whether we were (generally speaking, as opposed to sexually) sadistic or masochist, and of course, everyone says they’re masochist, except me who confess to having sadistic feelings every once and again. (If you’ve ever wondered why I can so carelessly confess to things like this on a public blog, it’s because I’m a “scholar“, characteristically an open book.)

This is my actual response:

Well, I’ll be the first one who confesses sadistic feelings. (Surprise.) Not sexually though, I’m a sub, but at times I do enjoy causing (emotional) pain a bit too much for an INFP. I was going to soften that by saying that “to people who I think deserve it” but it’s not true. Sometimes I hurt people, simply because they love me too much and I want them not to, because they tend to want to limit my freedom or claim possession of me based on our friendship. The sadist comes out as I do enjoy the process, although I try hard to control myself, sometimes enjoying the ability of hurting someone rather than actually doing it. I am complicated. (I wonder if anyone really knows me…)

I’ll elaborate. During my life I’ve had friends who have clung onto me like a drowning man to the last straw. I don’t know if it’s a form of co-dependency, but I suspect it  has something to do with it. I don’t often allow it, but sometimes I do, and it takes a toll on me. As I’m getting older, I can see the pattern of co-dependency already before it has fully unfolded, and with my current “attachment” I knew what was going to happen the minute I started talking to her, but I genuinely liked her and allowed her to “latch on”. (She doesn’t know how to use the computer so I’m speaking freely now.) At the moment we are in the stage where my friend is trying to wrap her tentacles around me (and my husband) in order to make our friendship permanent. That is exactly how I feel in these situations, like tentacles were wrapped around me and getting squeezed more and more and all you want to do is to fight back for your dear life.

The physical expressions of this kind of love and friendship are the hardest to bear. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE hugging my friends when I see them and when we depart, but I get chills when it’s these people with co-dependency issues want to hug me during our interaction, hold my hand while walking and stroke my hair at times… The only person who is allowed to do that is my husband (and before that, a boyfriend), and that ban includes all family members, none of whom would even want to go there…

So… We’re approaching the stage of our friendship when I have to start pushing this friend away, or rather when I need to establish some boundaries. Luckily as I know this upfront, I may find a way to tell her to back off before I resort to sadistic methods, that would probably kill the friendship altogether, which I don’t want.

Do you have experience of a friendship when there’s a co-dependency issue in there? How do you deal with co-dependency?

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