My Dear Hard Drive

Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

When I was a kid, I remember fondly that my mother never kept secrets from us, me and my brother. She always sat us down when there was something serious going on, and begun the talk by: “I’m going to tell you something that you should keep to yourself but it’s best you know what’s going on if people start talking about it…” She always let us know that it wasn’t common for kids our age to be informed of such matters, but that she trusted us to know what things we should be discreet about – and we did. I felt appreciated and respected, and safe – I knew nothing bad would happen behind my back.

Most often parents keep secrets from their kids in order to protect them from the world, to save their innocence I suppose. This leads to a lot of misunderstanding in so many different areas of life, that I cannot even begin to phantom what I would be like if I hadn’t been told everything my mom told me. I knew that my great grand father left his wife to go to America, and that my great grand mother started hating men for it. I knew one of my relatives wasn’t a blood relative but adopted. I knew, at the age of 12, that my best friends parents were getting a divorce because her father cheated on her mother and he had decided to move together with the “new woman”. I knew my other good friends father had been cheating on her, and that they were thinking about getting a divorce, and I also knew that my friend got an excessive amount of Barbie -stuff from both parents because they were trying to let her know they both still loved her and that I shouldn’t be jealous of those toys. I also knew, that her mother went into the bedroom of the other woman, told her husband to get his stuff and get his ass home and told the other woman that their affair is now officially over and she’s taking her husband back starting right now. He never went back to the other woman. I felt tremendous pride of my friends mother,  I thought she was a heroine, and her husband the luckiest man in the world.

I knew when my fathers friend killed himself and I knew why. I knew of mental illness in the family. I knew there was one guy in the (extended) family lighting his house on fire every now and then to get insurance money for crying out loud. I knew that there was alcoholics in the family, and I knew my father didn’t drink because he was worried he might become one too. I never drank because I was worried I might not be able to handle booze. My parents helped me to see around corners and to know that things like that HAPPEN all the time, to people we know, and nothing is more abnormal than normality. I learned early on never to judge people, or myself, for their failures or their flaws, or their mistakes, because we all make them. I learned not to be ashamed of my own thoughts and feelings and “weirdness” because if I’m that way, the chances are there’s someone just like me being that weird, and if there’s someone else that weird, it must not be that weird in the first place.

I understood, that even though there are things you might want to be discreet about, those things are never quite as bad as they might seem at first. (Monsters live in the dark.) And I learned that what ever happens, people survive and live through their difficulties, life goes on even thought it looks scary and impossible at times. And even the thought that my parents might get a divorce didn’t really sound that scary any more. Me and my brother sat down with one of our aunties, who we had mutually agreed to be the best choice, and said; “Auntie, if something would happen to our parents, will you take care of us, please?” She said: “Oh dear darlings, of course I will.” I forgot about this, until my auntie brought it up years later, but to us, it was probably enough to know she would be there if we needed her one terrible day.

I don’t know about my brother, but instead of feeling scared by the grown up’s world, I felt informed, and therefore like I was in control of my world, and that if something would happen, I would be heard and my opinion would have been taken into account. I was being treated like a person, with valid points of view. And I felt trusted and respected. And I also felt it was safe for me to grow up into the world, because I knew what to expect from it – no fairy tales, but real life. Not many things would completely blind sight me. That is by far the best thing my mother ever did for me, and sadly, it is a thing that most parents shy away from, have always done.

Thanks mom for being straight with me.

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I’m very excited to announce to you that my long harbored dream of owning my own dating site is coming to reality. I recently “shook hands” with a New York coder to start working on this project.

Not another dating site?!
I know you’re thinking that, and I agree. Dating world is very competitive, and there are some good sites and bad sites out there. Who knows how many is started each day, only to fail a couple of months later. Why should I be any different?

I have been planning a dating site for a long time, not basing it on the vast majority of dating sites, which generally make me want to vomit… I am not after a quick buck, but I want to make a site that will actually work as intended, bring people together and weed out the fake profiles and spammers.

With this plan in mind I have started a new blog about online dating and relationships called Intimate Onions. I hope to see you there, too, and if you are in a relationship, help me on those tips by commenting!

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As you may know, I found my husband online. He first found my profile on a dating site, followed a link to my website and then decided to write me as he had to know this person, so he says. I had been using that dating site for some years, got some good dates, some bad dates and everything in between, even a few relationships, and they all got better and better when I gained experience on what is going on in the dating world.

Did you happen to meet your special someone online? Do share your story. How did you meet? Was it the first date or did it take a few attempts before nailing it? Is there something you really love/hate about online dating?

Popularity: 16%

I don’t normally write about sex in quite so direct topics. I felt that BDSM (Bondage, Domination, sadism and masochism, variations apply) is so misunderstood that there are a bunch of women having vanilla while they would rather be whipped, just because their men don’t wish to “abuse them”. Men these days are very considerate and loving creatures. To the modern man, the idea of dominating someone may seem like a thought from the medieval times, something they would never consider doing. This being the case they would never bother to find out the true nature of BDSM; which is the reason I’m writing it here – I ambushed you, sorry. Even when their girlfriends would express the interest in BDSM, it is often received with a blank stare: “I don’t want to do that.” So the girls leave the topic alone, “as it is, kind of weird anyway”. I am writing of the point of view of dominant male and submissive female, which, kind of goes with the order of nature. Of course, there are variations, but I won’t go there now. So let’s dig deeper.

A male friend of mine once said that he always thought of dominating someone would come at the expense of the submissive. He always wanted to please the woman first, and even though he might have been interested in domination as a fantasy, he would never want to dominate someone in the real life, because he wouldn’t abuse anyone like that. I believe this is a very common mindset amongst men. But… rape fantasy is one of the most common female fantasies. On contrary to the common belief, women do not fantasise over candle lights and bubble baths, but rather being overpowered by the brutal, sexual desire and power of the man of their dreams. Now, when you put these two together, you get two wishes granted, at nobody’s expense. Something, that to the outside seems to be an uneven relationship, turns out to be a balanced situation that pleases the both.

Now, to finally get to the heart of the matter: What people should know about BDSM before they discard it as an option: BDSM comes with a lot of variations. To “general public” the most common idea of BDSM is the submissive slave + master -scenario. Slave is the type that wants to be controlled psychologically more than physically. They take pride in pleasing the master. They might not need any bondage at all; they just want to please their master. Second group of submissive people don’t want the psychological control as much as the physical control. They want to be physically over powered by the dominant, being tied down and used, seemingly against their own will. In bed, these people may seem very lazy, as they indulge in the fantasy of being tied down and used. (And ironically, tying them up wouldn’t even occur to you, because why should you – it’s not like they’re going to escape!) The third group is driven by the pain that they get sexual pleasure from, and bondage is just used as a necessity. A lot of subs take spices from other groups, but often can associate themselves in one group more than the other. These 3 groups are of course only the main groups, variations come inside the groups and sometimes it is hard to even understand that you’re actually a sub if you can’t identify with, let’s say, slaves.

If it is hard for the sub to understand other subs, how could we expect the dominant understand the mindset of a sub without studying it a little bit. And as the cap between a dominant male and a loving husband is so wide, they would rarely even entertain the idea of studying it in a serious level – and watching BDSM porn doesn’t count as study… Well, maybe it counts for an introduction to the Master’s Degree. Pun intended.

What is often missed, as pointed out in the comments, is that the power of BDSM play is always, actually, the subs. The submissive will have to be very clear and to the point about her pain threshold (new toys can be tested before actual session), what type of games she enjoys (or is willing to try), what are completely out of limits (let’s say she doesn’t like anal penetration, the master has to honour that) and express these limits and wishes before the play begins. Most couples play with a safe word that the submissive can use if the play gets too rough. Some couples will progress, after gaining the trust and understanding of each others limits, to removing the safe word, which would be a sign of a great level of trust. (If you wonder how a gagged sub can use a safe word, here’s an amusing little note. Dog’s squeaky toy can be used as a safe toy. Put that in subs hand, and if she squeezes it, the play is over. :p Of course you have to keep any toy crazy dogs out of the room!)

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How many times have you heard the advice: you have to work on your relationship? To me it sounds like: “If I want to work on my relationship, I have to imagine what I would do if I was truly in love with the person I’m with.” Already there is a problem. There was a problem to start with.

In my opinion marriages don’t fail because of the lack of trying. People don’t give up too easily. In my opinion, a lot of people are going too far into the relationship with people they shouldn’t have gone beyond the fourth date or something. People stay in relationships that don’t work, because they DON’T WANT TO GIVE UP. They don’t want to feel like they wasted all that time with the wrong person, so they rather work on the relationship to make the wrong person right. What do you think the chances of that working are?

People who are not in a good relationship see other couples who go have dinners at restaurants, take picnics and spend time together as examples of people who work on their relationship. “We should do that” they say. People who are doing that though probably are not thinking about things they HAVE TO do with their partner, but things they GET TO do together.

Having a good working relationship doesn’t mean not having problems. Sure you might have problems, but when there is that one thing that works; you love spending time together and see each other as friends, then the rest of the problems can be solved. Spending time together is a break from everything else, and there’s one more thing I don’t quite get: “Spending time together as a couple”. It suggests that there is some things that couples do that make the relationship work better, and that it somehow difficult to do or I don’t know… It’s something special, something that neighter one of you would probably want to do really. Watching the telly isn’t probably going to contribute to your relationship, even though I think when added to the rest of the things you do together, it can be a good way to relax together and just wind down. The other things should come naturally, things you like to do anyway. If you are with the right person, you probably have a whole range of things you like doing together, and not necessarily “as a couple”. In fact, it might be that you have to actually think about what it is that you are not doing together, like things you do with just your friends or alone, but of course, those things are important as well and you shouldn’t live without anything else in your life apart from your partner – that’s not healthy either.

Finding that right person is a very hard task. The more quirks you have, the harder it is to find that right person. I know though, that with persistence you will find the right person, and being alone should always be a more appealing option than a relationship that doesn’t work. You shouldn’t be afraid of being alone, because the alone times are always a chance for us to make things better. Make ourselves better, make our lives better, and to find that special someone that will make put a silver lining to every cloud in your life.

Popularity: 16%

Do you believe in the law of attraction? I haven’t been sure, but I think I’m won over. It is UNBELIEVABLE, how some of my friends end up being cheated on over and over and over again, no matter how cautious they are. Here’s a clip of what Wikipedia says about the law of attraction: A more modern consensus among New Thought thinkers is that the Law of Attraction says people’s thoughts (both conscious and unconscious) dictate the reality of their lives, whether or not they’re aware of it. Essentially “if you really want something and truly believe it’s possible, you’ll get it”, but putting a lot of attention and thought onto something you don’t want means you’ll probably get that too.

I believe that the law of attraction have more physical effects rather than some cosmic power (which I believe in as well, but you don’t have to) that bring the same people the same misfortune. In this case a bad love relationship that just keeps on repeating itself. When you go into the dating world believing that all men are cheaters, you will start picking them under that premise. If someone is too balanced, too… Normal, you may convince yourself that it is an act they put up just to fool you and you steer away from them. At the same time, a person who is confident that she will find a perfect guy, meets this one and goes “Oh, what a normal and balanced person, how fantastic!” She goes on to have a wonderful healthy relationship with the guy you thought was a sleeze. While you might be happy that you didn’t “fall for his act” you may find yourself in a relationship with a guy who you have your suspicions of, but after all, he is what you expect him to be, more or less. So you’re not quite as surprised as you were the last time, that he too, was in fact there to hurt you.

On another level, people who ARE there to hurt you, will find you attractive because you come in with the exact right baggage they need to hurt you. You are already insecure. You already have doubts that they can play with, while saying one thing and doing the other. They get a kick out of you thinking of them as heroes while they go behind your back doing things you wouldn’t want to know they’re doing. Like hitting on your friends and telling them lies about your mental state or what ever. Then they drop their bomb when you finally take that leap of faith, and say that you’ll willing to go into the relationship full on. And they go: “Oh, but I never promised you anything, in fact, I felt sorry for you…” Or something. There are a lot of possibilities.

So how do you break away from this cycle? First of, I believe you have to accept, that this is just your current cycle and your current reality. This is not what the world is truly like. There are options, and these options are there for you to take. You are not excluded from happiness, you have every right to it, just like anyone else.

Then I suggest you get this book: Life Choices, Life Changes: Develop Your Personal Vision with Imagework (Classics of Personal Development) It is an amazingly simple method of unravelling the cages of your mind, and to bring out the real you. If there’s still a Christmas gift to get, that’s one to get for just about anyone, but reserve the right to read it too. The book can help you with just about anything, finding a career path, finding out what you want, and finding out why you are not getting it or what ever. A fantastic book. (I should get another copy myself, actually, as the hubby lent ours to someone and it was never returned.)

The bad thing about the law of attraction is that it is supposed to be your doing what happens to you. You can’t blame it on anyone else. The good thing about law of attraction is that it is supposed to be your doing what happens to you. You can change the way you view the world, and what you invite into your world. But that, my friend, can be a difficult task. Get the book. It works.

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Sometimes, when we get involved with a person, we kind of hold back our feelings waiting to get some sort of an assurance of their feelings toward us. It is often a question of poor self-esteem, when we kind of think that if SOMEONE would love me, I would so love them! Along those lines. I used to think that way when I was a lot younger, until I was in a relationship in which my boyfriend clearly loved me, and I tried, I tried to love him but I couldn’t get further than liking him. So I decided that I would never ever start dating again unless I wasn’t really expecting great things. I would not string anyone along any more, I would survive being rejected, but I could not watch another man cry for me, never again.

This attitude gave me the freedom of expressing my interest to those I was interested in, smiling freely, telling them I liked them. Who cares if they don’t like me or love me? More often than not, they liked me too, some loved me. It still was, until I found my husband, that there was something else not working, that led into a break up, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t like them, or that they didn’t like me. I have never had to look back and think: “What on earth did I ever see in that man?” because my feelings were always based on their personality and appearance rather than the hope of them loving me in return.

There has been a study that showed, that people are more likely to find you attractive if you express interest towards them. If you tell them you like them, or even if someone else tells them that this person likes you. You start paying more attention to that person, because, there’s a possibility of returned love if you give your love away. Attractive thought, isn’t it? While I wouldn’t disregard the power of receiving attention, I still would look into the person with a critical eye. Why would you love them? If they didn’t like you, would you still like them? Would you be even remotely interested?

There’s another good reason to try not to fall in love with the possibility of receiving love. Love hungry people are the prime target of people with narcissistic personality disorder. They can give you love, show you love, and then deny their love just to push your buttons like you were a lab rat. You will be running after that love, not their personality, as that personality is really not that lovable. They will LOVE to prove that they love you, (even if they really didn’t) while normal people get quite tired in proving their love for you eventually. It’s just not worth it, who ever you are.

What I want to say with all this, is that get to know yourself. Learn to love yourself, and then put that twinkle in your eye and let people you love know that you love them. You don’t have to go around saying it, but giving them a warm happy smile will be just enough in most cases. Who cares if they reject you? That doesn’t change who you are and what you are worth. You are not looking for love, you are looking for true love, am I right?

Popularity: 8%