My Dear Hard Drive

I don’t normally write about sex in quite so direct topics. I felt that BDSM (Bondage, Domination, sadism and masochism, variations apply) is so misunderstood that there are a bunch of women having vanilla while they would rather be whipped, just because their men don’t wish to “abuse them”. Men these days are very considerate and loving creatures. To the modern man, the idea of dominating someone may seem like a thought from the medieval times, something they would never consider doing. This being the case they would never bother to find out the true nature of BDSM; which is the reason I’m writing it here - I ambushed you, sorry. Even when their girlfriends would express the interest in BDSM, it is often received with a blank stare: “I don’t want to do that.” So the girls leave the topic alone, “as it is, kind of weird anyway”. I am writing of the point of view of dominant male and submissive female, which, kind of goes with the order of nature. Of course, there are variations, but I won’t go there now. So let’s dig deeper.

A male friend of mine once said that he always thought of dominating someone would come at the expense of the submissive. He always wanted to please the woman first, and even though he might have been interested in domination as a fantasy, he would never want to dominate someone in the real life, because he wouldn’t abuse anyone like that. I believe this is a very common mindset amongst men. But… rape fantasy is one of the most common female fantasies. On contrary to the common belief, women do not fantasise over candle lights and bubble baths, but rather being overpowered by the brutal, sexual desire and power of the man of their dreams. Now, when you put these two together, you get two wishes granted, at nobody’s expense. Something, that to the outside seems to be an uneven relationship, turns out to be a balanced situation that pleases the both.

Now, to finally get to the heart of the matter: What people should know about BDSM before they discard it as an option: BDSM comes with a lot of variations. To “general public” the most common idea of BDSM is the submissive slave + master -scenario. Slave is the type that wants to be controlled psychologically more than physically. They take pride in pleasing the master. They might not need any bondage at all; they just want to please their master. Second group of submissive people don’t want the psychological control as much as the physical control. They want to be physically over powered by the dominant, being tied down and used, seemingly against their own will. In bed, these people may seem very lazy, as they indulge in the fantasy of being tied down and used. (And ironically, tying them up wouldn’t even occur to you, because why should you - it’s not like they’re going to escape!) The third group is driven by the pain that they get sexual pleasure from, and bondage is just used as a necessity. A lot of subs take spices from other groups, but often can associate themselves in one group more than the other. These 3 groups are of course only the main groups, variations come inside the groups and sometimes it is hard to even understand that you’re actually a sub if you can’t identify with, let’s say, slaves.

If it is hard for the sub to understand other subs, how could we expect the dominant understand the mindset of a sub without studying it a little bit. And as the cap between a dominant male and a loving husband is so wide, they would rarely even entertain the idea of studying it in a serious level - and watching BDSM porn doesn’t count as study… Well, maybe it counts for an introduction to the Master’s Degree. Pun intended.

What is often missed, as pointed out in the comments, is that the power of BDSM play is always, actually, the subs. The submissive will have to be very clear and to the point about her pain threshold (new toys can be tested before actual session), what type of games she enjoys (or is willing to try), what are completely out of limits (let’s say she doesn’t like anal penetration, the master has to honour that) and express these limits and wishes before the play begins. Most couples play with a safe word that the submissive can use if the play gets too rough. Some couples will progress, after gaining the trust and understanding of each others limits, to removing the safe word, which would be a sign of a great level of trust. (If you wonder how a gagged sub can use a safe word, here’s an amusing little note. Dog’s squeaky toy can be used as a safe toy. Put that in subs hand, and if she squeezes it, the play is over. :p Of course you have to keep any toy crazy dogs out of the room!)

How many times have you heard the advice: you have to work on your relationship? To me it sounds like: “If I want to work on my relationship, I have to imagine what I would do if I was truly in love with the person I’m with.” Already there is a problem. There was a problem to start with.

In my opinion marriages don’t fail because of the lack of trying. People don’t give up too easily. In my opinion, a lot of people are going too far into the relationship with people they shouldn’t have gone beyond the fourth date or something. People stay in relationships that don’t work, because they DON’T WANT TO GIVE UP. They don’t want to feel like they wasted all that time with the wrong person, so they rather work on the relationship to make the wrong person right. What do you think the chances of that working are?

People who are not in a good relationship see other couples who go have dinners at restaurants, take picnics and spend time together as examples of people who work on their relationship. “We should do that” they say. People who are doing that though probably are not thinking about things they HAVE TO do with their partner, but things they GET TO do together.

Having a good working relationship doesn’t mean not having problems. Sure you might have problems, but when there is that one thing that works; you love spending time together and see each other as friends, then the rest of the problems can be solved. Spending time together is a break from everything else, and there’s one more thing I don’t quite get: “Spending time together as a couple”. It suggests that there is some things that couples do that make the relationship work better, and that it somehow difficult to do or I don’t know… It’s something special, something that neighter one of you would probably want to do really. Watching the telly isn’t probably going to contribute to your relationship, even though I think when added to the rest of the things you do together, it can be a good way to relax together and just wind down. The other things should come naturally, things you like to do anyway. If you are with the right person, you probably have a whole range of things you like doing together, and not necessarily “as a couple”. In fact, it might be that you have to actually think about what it is that you are not doing together, like things you do with just your friends or alone, but of course, those things are important as well and you shouldn’t live without anything else in your life apart from your partner - that’s not healthy either.

Finding that right person is a very hard task. The more quirks you have, the harder it is to find that right person. I know though, that with persistence you will find the right person, and being alone should always be a more appealing option than a relationship that doesn’t work. You shouldn’t be afraid of being alone, because the alone times are always a chance for us to make things better. Make ourselves better, make our lives better, and to find that special someone that will make put a silver lining to every cloud in your life.

Do you believe in the law of attraction? I haven’t been sure, but I think I’m won over. It is UNBELIEVABLE, how some of my friends end up being cheated on over and over and over again, no matter how cautious they are. Here’s a clip of what Wikipedia says about the law of attraction: A more modern consensus among New Thought thinkers is that the Law of Attraction says people’s thoughts (both conscious and unconscious) dictate the reality of their lives, whether or not they’re aware of it. Essentially “if you really want something and truly believe it’s possible, you’ll get it”, but putting a lot of attention and thought onto something you don’t want means you’ll probably get that too.

I believe that the law of attraction have more physical effects rather than some cosmic power (which I believe in as well, but you don’t have to) that bring the same people the same misfortune. In this case a bad love relationship that just keeps on repeating itself. When you go into the dating world believing that all men are cheaters, you will start picking them under that premise. If someone is too balanced, too… Normal, you may convince yourself that it is an act they put up just to fool you and you steer away from them. At the same time, a person who is confident that she will find a perfect guy, meets this one and goes “Oh, what a normal and balanced person, how fantastic!” She goes on to have a wonderful healthy relationship with the guy you thought was a sleeze. While you might be happy that you didn’t “fall for his act” you may find yourself in a relationship with a guy who you have your suspicions of, but after all, he is what you expect him to be, more or less. So you’re not quite as surprised as you were the last time, that he too, was in fact there to hurt you.

On another level, people who ARE there to hurt you, will find you attractive because you come in with the exact right baggage they need to hurt you. You are already insecure. You already have doubts that they can play with, while saying one thing and doing the other. They get a kick out of you thinking of them as heroes while they go behind your back doing things you wouldn’t want to know they’re doing. Like hitting on your friends and telling them lies about your mental state or what ever. Then they drop their bomb when you finally take that leap of faith, and say that you’ll willing to go into the relationship full on. And they go: “Oh, but I never promised you anything, in fact, I felt sorry for you…” Or something. There are a lot of possibilities.

So how do you break away from this cycle? First of, I believe you have to accept, that this is just your current cycle and your current reality. This is not what the world is truly like. There are options, and these options are there for you to take. You are not excluded from happiness, you have every right to it, just like anyone else.

Then I suggest you get this book: Life Choices, Life Changes: Develop Your Personal Vision with Imagework (Classics of Personal Development) It is an amazingly simple method of unravelling the cages of your mind, and to bring out the real you. If there’s still a Christmas gift to get, that’s one to get for just about anyone, but reserve the right to read it too. The book can help you with just about anything, finding a career path, finding out what you want, and finding out why you are not getting it or what ever. A fantastic book. (I should get another copy myself, actually, as the hubby lent ours to someone and it was never returned.)

The bad thing about the law of attraction is that it is supposed to be your doing what happens to you. You can’t blame it on anyone else. The good thing about law of attraction is that it is supposed to be your doing what happens to you. You can change the way you view the world, and what you invite into your world. But that, my friend, can be a difficult task. Get the book. It works.

Sometimes, when we get involved with a person, we kind of hold back our feelings waiting to get some sort of an assurance of their feelings toward us. It is often a question of poor self-esteem, when we kind of think that if SOMEONE would love me, I would so love them! Along those lines. I used to think that way when I was a lot younger, until I was in a relationship in which my boyfriend clearly loved me, and I tried, I tried to love him but I couldn’t get further than liking him. So I decided that I would never ever start dating again unless I wasn’t really expecting great things. I would not string anyone along any more, I would survive being rejected, but I could not watch another man cry for me, never again.

This attitude gave me the freedom of expressing my interest to those I was interested in, smiling freely, telling them I liked them. Who cares if they don’t like me or love me? More often than not, they liked me too, some loved me. It still was, until I found my husband, that there was something else not working, that led into a break up, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t like them, or that they didn’t like me. I have never had to look back and think: “What on earth did I ever see in that man?” because my feelings were always based on their personality and appearance rather than the hope of them loving me in return.

There has been a study that showed, that people are more likely to find you attractive if you express interest towards them. If you tell them you like them, or even if someone else tells them that this person likes you. You start paying more attention to that person, because, there’s a possibility of returned love if you give your love away. Attractive thought, isn’t it? While I wouldn’t disregard the power of receiving attention, I still would look into the person with a critical eye. Why would you love them? If they didn’t like you, would you still like them? Would you be even remotely interested?

There’s another good reason to try not to fall in love with the possibility of receiving love. Love hungry people are the prime target of people with narcissistic personality disorder. They can give you love, show you love, and then deny their love just to push your buttons like you were a lab rat. You will be running after that love, not their personality, as that personality is really not that lovable. They will LOVE to prove that they love you, (even if they really didn’t) while normal people get quite tired in proving their love for you eventually. It’s just not worth it, who ever you are.

What I want to say with all this, is that get to know yourself. Learn to love yourself, and then put that twinkle in your eye and let people you love know that you love them. You don’t have to go around saying it, but giving them a warm happy smile will be just enough in most cases. Who cares if they reject you? That doesn’t change who you are and what you are worth. You are not looking for love, you are looking for true love, am I right?

There is a lot to be said about sexually transmitted diseases spreading and unwanted pregnancies increasing as a result of the True Love Waits -approach, or otherwise known as abstinence only -sex education. Personally I am even more worried about the emotional and mental health issues that may follow from this type of teaching, especially from the female point of view.

I know we don’t like the idea of our kids having sex. We don’t even like the thought of our parents having sex. In fact, I don’t think any of us really likes to think about anyone they know having sex, so I understand why we would have the need to control our loved ones willingness of having sex. Parents say it’s not good for you, it harms you both physically and emotionally, and that can be true, but instead of teaching the kids how to have safe sex, some of them opt out by teaching that not having sex is the only option.

Now I am not against the idea of abstinence, up to a point. It is good to wait until you are emotionally good and ready, and by “emotionally” I don’t mean being in a loving and caring relationship necessarily, but that you want to have sex and you don’t have moral qualms about what you’re doing and you are strong enough to face the potential problems that could arise from it. And by potential problems I mean people giving you shit about it (even tough I don’t think it’s none of their damned business), sexually transmitted diseases (including AIDS but not limited to it) and unwanted pregnancies (that you have to deal with one way or another).

I saw a documentary about the True Love Waits campaign some time ago, and what I saw then, disturbed me a great deal. A teacher was holding up two tooth brushes, one used, one in the neat wrapping and asked which one would the kids use if they had the choice. They, of course, chose the one in wrapping. The teacher went on to explain that just like the toothbrush, you should choose a partner who hasn’t had sex before and you should “keep yourself in wrapping” until you are married. Then they went on to explain all the things that are wrong in using a used toothbrush - you don’t know where it’s been and you can get diseases and it’s vile… All true in the case of a toothbrush, but it maddened me to think that someone would actually think it’s the same thing with people. A toothbrush doesn’t have a heart. They don’t love you. They don’t have emotions, personality or anything to give you except clean teeth. You will throw one out after using it for a month if you do as your dentists tell you to. A human being won’t loose his or her value after it has been “used”. A human being has nothing to do with toothbrushes.

Now lets imagine a sensitive person who actually takes this garbage to heart. Let’s imagine it’s a girl. She has one weak moment and has sex with a boyfriend she loved to bits. It felt good and right in the moment, but after the heat of the moment, the guilt starts creeping in. You are worthless now. Nobody will love you. Your boyfriend lost all respect for you now. DO you think he will “buy the product after having used it?” No way, he’ll find a new product, a new girl and marries her. He wouldn’t marry you! So she believes that and starts acting accordingly. Blames the boyfriend for hating her now, not having respect and looking at other girls. For a while he tries to convince her that he still loves her, he doesn’t want anyone else and he certainly haven’t lost his respect for her. However, he gets tired of convincing her and decides that there will be no future for them at this rate, leaves her “and proves her right”.

So she will now have to go on as a “used toothbrush” that nobody will want. That is her reality, that is what she has been taught. She is broken by having sex, that is what she believes, when in fact the thing that broke her was her sex ed. She has no respect for herself, so when that guy comes in that will tell her she’s all right, an he will love her regardless, she will take the offer. No matter she’s not really that into him, but he said he’d love her, regardless. She gets married, has a baby and finds out she married an abusive man. She gets beaten up every now and then, then he apologies and says that it is all because you had sex with that man. He thought he would be strong enough to handle that, but jealousy just sweeps over him every now and then, and that is why he lost control… He loves her so, regardless. And she understands him, she deserves no better than getting beaten up on a regular basis. She’s a slut after all.

Okay, let’s move on to the scenario #2, when she does wait until marriage. She’s 18, her hormones are running wild and she can’t wait to have sex. She has a boyfriend, not the man of her dreams by a long shot, but he’s there and he’s willing, like her, to marry before having sex. So they decide to marry, and jump into bed with high hopes. This is it! This is the way God intended! Marital blizz! So they have sex. He’s ecstatic in the morning, and thinks this is so fantastic. He has someone to have sex with for the rest of his life. She is not so excited. It wasn’t nearly as good as she thought. She doesn’t feel more in love with him now that they had sex. The sex wasn’t great at all. She didn’t orgasm, even though she did everything right. He didn’t even notice. She’s too embarrassed to say anything besides, she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings. Suddenly she sees years and years of unfulfilled hopes and dreams stretch in front of her to be shared with that man… And she’s probably pregnant by the end of the week, because birth control was never an issue. She struggles ahead for the next 15 years and decides it is time to face the truth and divorce him and find someone she’s really into. With 8 kids it might be a bit of an issue, but still, you have to try.

If there are teens reading this… Let me tell you something. Don’t ever put a value on yourself by the number of people you have slept with. Not if you think it’s cool to have a lot of partners, and not if you think it’s uncool. Put a value on yourself based on your personality. How funny you are. How loving you are. How people enjoy being in your company, how well you take care of your pets, how responsible you are, how talented you are, but never by the number of people you sleep with. You can NEVER be sure that the person you have sex with will stay with you, whether or not you marry him or her, but at the same time, whether or not you have sex with people will not make them loose respect for you or make them not want to marry you. That doesn’t even come into the radar screen! What matters is your respect for yourself, and how you treat people. I can tell you that I’ve had sex with a lot of guys, and only ONE ever treated me with disrespect. He however wasn’t healthy. I learned later on that he had some sort of a mental disorder which made him a little… Well, mental. However, I walked out on him as I deserve no disrespect no matter where it comes from. I am afraid though, that if your school teaches abstinence only from a religious point of view there can be people who try to make you think less of yourself by making remarks about having had sex before marriage, but you should not take those comments into heart. As for people marrying you after having sex with you; I had sex with my husband before we got married, and here he is, still loving me and respecting me, as I do him. And all of the happily married people I know have had sex before marriage. (I don’t really hang out in the circles that believe in abstinence.)

Educate yourself on birth control, there is heaps of information online. Choose the method best suited for you (condom is always a good choice unless you have latex allergy, and if you do there are latex free condoms available). And, never, ever ever let anyone dictate to you who you should or should not sleep with. It is YOUR CHOICE, and yours alone. And never ever disrespect yourself for your choices, because that is the only way anyone will have the grounds of disrespecting you. Read about sex, as much as you can, from as many sources as you can, hell, watch some porn while you’re at it (as long as it’s legal of course). You need to know what it is to know what you’re signing up for or signing out of. You need to be aware of what you like about it and what you don’t like about it, so you’ll be able to inform your partner. Oh, and masturbate. It’s good for you and I promise won’t make your palms hairy.