My Dear Hard Drive

Archive for the ‘Behaviour’ Category

But unlike most commitment phobics, I have no fear of relationships. I have a fear of carreer choises. As you know, I’ve been doing this start up with my bridal fashion design business for some time now, until suddenly I shut down. I simply could not even think about wedding dresses without feeling trapped by them. I am a very creative person, and I get excited about a lot of things, and I want to achieve a lot of things. The thought of commiting myself to one task, or one pursuit, no matter how appealing it is, simply terrifies me. I am afraid, that one day I wake up so married to my carreer that I cannot take the day off to do what is inspiring me that day, or that there are appointments lined up for weeks to come and I will know exactly what I’m going to HAVE TO do tomorrow…

I hate dates. I hate meeting people on a set time. I don’t know what I will want to do at the time that I should be meeting friends. I might be completely blown away by a new web app I just discovered, and want to learn everything there is about it right then. (I usually end up enjoying hanging out with friends anyway, but I might get really annoyed before hand.) A carreer is full of dates and dead lines and schedules. I hate all of it, and don’t want any part of it. I hate forcing my attention onto something that it isn’t naturally focussed on at any given time.

The trouble is, that when I get excited about one thing, it might feel to me like the most important thing on the planet at the time. Then something happens, that catches my attention and sifts it away from what ever that important thing was, and I can’t even remember why it was so important before. The time span between these intense periods of focus varies from few hours to weeks, but rarely any longer than that. There are things that I will always return to at my own time, like field spaniel related things, Barbie stuff, web, internet and writing, but you can’t restrict me to a schedule. I always need someone to pull my attention to the matter at hand, like take fieldie newsletter for example. I used to write one for a club in Finland, but if I hadn’t had my friend Marjaana talk to me for a few days kind of warning me that the dead line is coming up and gently sift my focus toward it, I would have been in a big trouble. Now that I gave myself a task to do a smiliar newsletter by myself, I am completely lost. It’s not going to happen.

And, like the relationship phobia, mine too stems from my parents. I watched my mother come home completely wiped out after the day at work, so tired, agitated and wound up to the breaking point and after shouting at us for what ever we did wrong during the day (mostly me because my brother is very reliable) she just fell asleep in front of the telly only to repeat it again the following day. Why on earth would I want any part of that shit? Yet she claims she enjoys her work. Bloody hell if that’s enjoyment, I wonder what a crappy job feels like…

So I wonder… How common is it to have a fear of carreer? Can I cure my phobia by following advice for relationship phobics? I have some googling to do, I guess. Unless I get distracted. There’s a Barbie forum to fix.

Popularity: 21%

When I was 17, I decided nobody would be able to put me into a box based on what I wore. They couldn’t look at me and say “she’s one of us” because I wore the same uniform. When I was past my 20’s, I decided not to believe in a God that people defined for me.

Our differences are the things that define us. Not the things that we share. When you commit a crime, and the police asks the eye witnesses what you looked like, they are not going to start by saying that you were human, had two legs, two arms and a head. That doesn’t define you. What they are going to say are the things that set you a part, things that define you. If we were all the same, we might just as well not excist.

When I read goths, punks and rockers bragging about how different they are, it makes me smile… I find it amusing that they define their difference by copying each other’s style. I don’t look down on them though, people go through stages and even though I don’t wear black as a statement, or stick purple hair extensions to my hair for an effect, I still identify with goths. But then, I identify myself with the dog owner who passes me with their cute spaniel, and a geek who spends sleepless nights finalizing their code, and the artist, who forgets to eat while she creates. I cannot define myself by one group only. I am too complex to be a goth, an artist or a dog owner and leave it at that. Most people are.

Goths look down on “fashion whores”, who buy a certain brand to be accepted. Yet, the goths go and wear certain style to be a part of a group. To identify with a group. There is really no difference between the two, inheridly. Their ideals are different and they value different things, but when a push comes to a shove, will goths be any more open minded than the fashion girls? Will they accept one of those fashion whores into their group without judging them by their look, and without assuming things about them, based on their looks?

The difficoulty with getting identified with a group is that outsiders will instantly label you by the way you look. The difference to the general masses is so big, that they don’t need to look any further. Tell you an example. When I turned 30, I shaved my head. I didn’t do it in purpose of making a statement or anything, I just wanted to see how I would look bald. I got a lot of attention because I was bald, but the attention surprised me. That is where the conversation halted. It never went anywhere beyond my bald head. What also surprise me, that instead of people thinking I looked odd in a bald head, they said I looked exactly like Sinead O’Connor, Skunk Anansie, Demi Moore or who ever bald woman they could think of at the time. Note: I’m white, Skunk Anansie is black. To people, we still looked identical.

Dressing to the main stream forces people to look beoynd what you wear to get to know you. K-Mart fashion is a lot more effective in this than what brand labels or “individualistic” clothing would be. Of course, if you only want to attract the attention of people in your own sub culture, then dressing the part makes sense. However, don’t pat yourself on the back for being somehow better than other people simply because you dress that way and identify with a group outside the main stream. It only gives you another tone of voice, but your work is far from done.

Popularity: 15%

Bah. You know how I’ve always said I wouldn’t want to have children? Like ever since I knew it was a choice..? My childhood best friend just had a baby daughter, and she seems very happy – I’ve been following her updates on Facebook, the first time I’ve ever taken much notice of someone having babies. I’m really happy for her too, even though we haven’t really been close since we were 16 or something. Anyway, somehow her having a baby struck a chord with me. Even though a lot of my school mates have had kids already, some being over ten years old by now, I’ve never really thought about it as a viable option for someone my age. It seemed like something grown up people do, and I would have plenty of time to change my mind if I ever would.

Now when my best friend, who I played with, spent time with and who I remember enjoying her Weetbix and having chocolate all over her face, is a mom now, it suddenly became very clear to me that I am in the age, and not only in the age, but in the last legs of the age that people start having kids. 33 isn’t a spring chicken anymore. Do I finally hear the biological clock ticking? Is that the sound?

When I ask myself why is this effecting me now, I reply: “My life hasn’t got much meaning to it.” Ah, and isn’t that the reason people have kids, more or less? But I still insist that having children will not solve the problem, it merely distracts you from the insanity of it all and gives you an easy lift in social status. Easy, as in more or less anyone can do it regardless of talent, financial situation or intellect. It doesn’t even take too much time to get started. Now, when I think about it, wouldn’t it be just nice to have a kid and for once in my life act my age? That would make me an adult for sure, not just some sad loser trying to cling to my youth and single life by blogging about it and planning a dating site… People would take me seriously just like that, I have a baby to look after! It’s not just me anymore.

And just like that I disregard the wish to have a baby. Just like drinking alcohol, I haven’t got a good enough reason to do it yet. I have a husband to make and keep happy, isn’t that just as worthy cause for a life as keeping a child healthy and happy, or did his value go down after he turned 18? Or is he less of a value because he’s not related by blood? Of course not, but that is how it works, isn’t it? Each year you’ve lived makes you less important than the ones coming after you, because you’ve had that many more years to live I suppose… Maybe it’s just our fascination with new things and new people. Babies are like new living toys that you get to make into what ever you want. The ultimate customization project.

Bleh bleh and bleh. We all know that logical reasons for having children are far and between, if not non-existent, but as we are not machines we do illogical things and sometimes feel bad for not doing illogical things. And even now, I clearly feel I don’t want to have a baby, I want meaning for my life which I strongly believe does not come with a baby, with any more certainty as it comes with a good hobby or a job you enjoy or what ever. Do I make even the slightest bit of sense here?

Popularity: 30%

unless they make me look really good. And of course, most of the time they describe the best of you and the more accurate they are, the more I like them, because the better it sounds and then believe them. This is to say that believe it or not, at least it gives me a reason to self-reflection, which is a favourite past time of mine.

This is the article I somehow found online today. It’s about Aries women, which I am of course. I am also a fiery Dragon, which doesn’t help me in regards of being softer and a nicer, more feminine personality. Nah. This article says Aries women are naturally funny, but prone to depression and thus drugs and alcohol, also dragons are prone to drinking a lot. It also says we (Aries women) are curious as children, and also infallibly just (fair). All of those qualities I believe to be mine, except the depression. I do get bored sometimes, but I don’t know if I’ve been depressed in the clinical sense. However, I have always had a fear of alcohol and drugs believing that they can easily destroy me if I go anywhere near them. (My Aries father says the same.) I believe that, because I have no ability to deny myself things that I enjoy, unless I simply cannot afford them. I’m also very competitive, and drinking would totally be one more thing to compete at; either by who drinks less or who drinks the most, and the way I see it, it is healthier to compete in the fore mentioned. If I was drinking, I know I would make a point of drinking the strongest stuff available and the larger the amounts, the better. Loudly. I would probably make fun of people who couldn’t drink as much as I do – pretty much the person I hate the most when I go out clubbing myself and watching everyone getting drunker while I stay sober.

They say Aries’ are very physical in every sense of the word, but that is one thing I can’t really identify with. I don’t do sports, most of the time I hate the whole idea of it. Probably not because I hate the sport as such, but I hate losing. Any physical exercise to me is a competition, and if I can’t win, I won’t do it. As it happens, I’m not very good at many sports, due to lack of practice probably, but what ever the reason, I’m not very good. The physical activity that I do enjoy is dancing. I happen to be quite good at it, and it is hard to judge without a question who’s the best dancer. Regardless of the end result, I get a lot of admiration by dancing, and that is one reason I love it. It’s nearly impossible to make me interested in sports. I walk fast though, because every physical activity is a competition to me, and even if it’s just walking on the street I need to be the fastest. If you try to convince me to do sport because it’s “good for me”, you can probably see how irritable I get for just the mere thought. If you add, that we don’t have to keep score, I could probably strangle you for even suggesting such idiotic thing. That to me is like waving a red flag at a bull, “what, you’re saying I CAN’T beat you?!” Then I’ll probably say out loud: “What’s a point of it if we don’t keep score? Sure we can keep score.” I’m very sore looser of course, which is something my husband learned very early on. We hadn’t even met in person yet, but we spent time on instant messengers, and the Yahoo one has backgammon on it. I had never played the game before and didn’t have much of an idea of the rules, and of course I lost. My Darling did a fatal mistake of making fun of me for loosing. He is a sledger you know, that’s his idea of having fun winning. To him it’s not about the victory, it’s about sledging, and that’s not a good combination when it comes to two types of gamers. I’m not quite sure what I did at that point prior to shutting all my messengers down, but it became evident to my husband, that you don’t make fun of dear ol’ Sebbie if she looses. Trust me, he has never made the same mistake again.

Then there’s the aspect of being fair. I don’t think anyone has ever told me that I was being unfair. I am careful not to say anything that was unfair to another person, even if I was judging them on their looks for example. I never go further than what I can prove to be correct, partly because of the competitiveness, I can’t say something that someone might prove to be wrong, right? Of course, when I’m in the position of a leader, and one of my people gets out of line, especially if they get into words among each other, I am quick to take sides if it is possible at all. Usually I pick the right side in the terms of fair, but I have known to take the wrong side due to loyalty toward a friend. I am fiercely loyal to whomever I consider a friend, even though I don’t elevate people to the friend status too easily. (It comes with a lot of responsibilities in my case.) However, if you cross me, I can cut all ties as easily as I had scissors in my hands. I don’t regret relationships I have ended, because by the time I end the relationship, I know that I have done everything in my power to make the relationship work without changing the person and if it doesn’t work, it won’t work, be it a friendship or a love affair. One of those on-of-and-on-again relationships.. I don’t understand. Sure, I can understand having sex with an ex lacking better ideas, but mixing emotion to that is just beyond me. I can also understand being friends with an ex, but going back and forth between being together or not being together is just something I don’t get. Filing for a divorce and then getting back together is something that will have my eye brows raised as far as they go, you know, how can you hurt someone so much and then not mean it in the end?

I don’t have problems hurting people. In fact, I rather enjoy it. But you have to mean it. That’s just being fair! You don’t go around making emotional stabs at people and then go: “oh I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it!” I could forgive people for hurting me  with the best effort they can put into it, and then apologizing saying they got really really fucking angry at me and they couldn’t help but to do that, but say: “I didn’t mean it!” That to me doesn’t deserve any other reply other than “well fuck you then, bitch, who needs enemies when you have friends like you?!” Would you like to hang around a 5-year old holding a loaded gun? Nah, neither would I, and that is what a friend who insults/hurts you without meaning it is to me.

Apparently, we’re not very likable people, Aries women, when you first meet us. We can be rather prickly and socially awkward, said the article. I totally agree. This is partly my Finnishness, but also a lot of it is my personality. I don’t go out of my way to be friendly and likable towards a stranger or a friend of a friend. I usually judge people during the first 5 seconds I meet them. If by then I haven’t decided I’d like to be their friend, I won’t try to make much of an impression. As I said, friendship comes with a lot of responsibility, and being friendly with someone carries the risk of the relationship turning into a friendship. However, I sometimes, fairly rarely, meet a person and consciously decide to make friends with him or her. I recently met a girl who my husband friend had had a crush on for years. I’d been thinking that how can’t he just get over her, but as soon as I met her, I understood. When I got home with my husband, I told him: “I’m going to make a friend out of her”. He laughed a little, as in “it’s not that easy to just turn people into friends” but I did make her into a friend. I usually make friends easily, when I want to. That is not really something you would instantly know about me, because normally I make an effort not to make any new friends.

We are also quite self-centered, it seems. A friend of an Aries commented that it was all about her, even though they had the best of time, it was often quite one-sided. I can relate to that, and that is a problem for me too. That’s why I pick people who can take their ground around me without me helping them to. I mean, that if you don’t draw a line for me, I will cross it and take your space as well, or pull into myself to make sure you get all the space there – and I hate being that way, and I don’t want to do that anymore. It sucks the life out of me. I love talking about myself – take a look at the length of this one! – and I love it when people can be with me and still shine themselves. That is what I go for in a friend. Someone who I don’t have to reassure or pamper. Someone who takes care of themselves. That is not to say that I wouldn’t love to take care of people, help them and push them forward, as I do, I absolutely love doing that. But I don’t call that friendship. I call that helping. Friendship, to me, must be a two way street and equal. If I help someone, I tend to keep my distance a bit. They would probably not notice though, as I don’t have secrets and talk about myself and my personal life without hesitation. That to a lot of people is a sign of friendship. To me that’s just talking… About my favourite topic. I love strong people, and unfortunately that has led me to some narcissists, in the true, clinical sense of the word. I am attracted to people with a strong personality and no shame in showing it, but with narcissists it comes with an equally strong lack of regard towards other people. These people can take advantage of you, to push themselves forward, and to make themselves seem bigger, better and brighter. That is not fair, and you already know how important being fair is to me.

Aries is the ruler of the head (and face). Coincidentally, I once told someone, maybe my mother, that I’m not afraid of anything. I have what is important to me right here on my shoulders, and nobody can take it away from me without killing me and if they kill me I no longer care. In that sense I feel indestructible. Sure, maybe I lose my mind one day, but if I lose my mind, I won’t care about it then as I no longer won’t be able to understand it anyway. It is what is in my head that matters, nothing else matters that much.

Ironically, not a lot of people know me very well. I think a lot of people think they know me, due to the fact I talk about myself a lot… At least when I’m together with one person only, which strengthens the belief it’s a friendship thing. In a crowd I’m mainly silent. This is because I’m self-centered and choosy. A lot of times, I can’t see a reason to talk to people in crowds. I don’t want to impress them if I don’t want to make friends. A lot of times, being interested in them would result into them thinking that I’m interested in friendship with them too, and more often than not, being interested in them would be pretending, and I’m not big on pretending. I even shut up when I’m with more than one friend, unless it is a situation that I have brought two of my friends who don’t know each other with me for some reason. Then I’ll talk, but any other situation I’m mostly silent. I’m not quite sure why that is. I’m usually quite happy to listen and I don’t want to interrupt anyone. Maybe I don’t have anything to add to a conversation, anything that someone else couldn’t say. I normally jump in when someone is lost of words and needs help expressing what they mean to say or if I really disagree with something that was said. That’s when communication starts to make sense again. There are things I don’t normally let people see. Like that I’m a hopeless romantic. I believe in eternal love and that shite. Most people won’t see me bawling my eyes out watching a tear-jerker on a telly… Like an advertisement with animals in it, for example. I cry at beautiful things, cute things, good things. I shed tears of joy when someone succeeds. But if someone asks me how I felt about it, I’ll simply say: “Yea it was alright.”

Are you an Aries or a Dragon or both? How do we compare?

Popularity: 20%

This morning, as a subscriber of WebProNews, I got kind of baffled about an apology. Normally you wouldn’t find apologies offensive in any way, but this time, it was the very thing that made me grind my teeth. At the risk of sounding like a hard boiled feminist I’ll have to stick my spoon into this soup.

The article is about marketing and planning services so that men and women both get what they want. Doesn’t sound much like an offensive thing to blog about, yet Jason Lee Miller starts it with an apology of a sort:

The following is based on research, not sexism or prejudice of any kind. Conclusions are by nature overly general, and there are many exceptions to the following “rules” of masculine and feminine behavior.

What followed was information about how women like to be informed before they buy stuff, save money, select a product that will last the longest possible time, and so forth. Favourite colours of men and women (regarding web design, and orange is the least favourite of everyone. Check out my blog, baby.) Anyway, what I found amusing was that none of the qualities that were feminine were offensive to women. In fact, us girls sounded like the kind of shoppers you would really WANT to run your money affairs. So why did Jason feel the need to apologize for this information? Is it so, that because we are women, we are expected to be offended just because someone points out we don’t possess a masculine quality, no matter how idiotic or undeveloped it is?

When I was a fair bit younger, a male friend of ours told their friends that “Sebbie has so much ball, that she even pees standing up!” Of course that was a massive compliment, but if I had said that of one of my male friends: “Jason has so much vagina, he even pees sitting down!” nobody would be too taken by that “compliment” unless he was a transgender woman. Why is it, that being man-like is so much better than being just a girl?

Popularity: 18%

We all belong to groups. Me for example, I am a woman, Barbie-collector, dog-person (or more specifically a spaniel-owner), nerd, photo model, fashion designer, migrant, wife… There are a lot of stereotypes to go with all of those groups. I’m in luck for not being blond and big breasted, I suppose, as that would give me a whole new stereotype. I even believe some of these things do come with a generic personality or even a body type (where you wouldn’t think it does). However I like to see these stereotypes as positive challenges rather than something I have to constantly “battle” against. Let’s take men and their attitudes towards women for example.

Let’s say I’m chatting with someone to get help with a php-script I’m working on, and find that my adviser is assuming I don’t know much about what I’m doing because I’m a girl, maybe. Do I take this as an insult towards my intelligence? Nope. I think it is a fair assumption to make that since I’m a girl I haven’t been involved with computers ever since I learned to crawl, and also most people, male or female, don’t know much about php. Instead I use language that indicates the level of my knowledge, and use the fact I am a girl to my advantage; If I don’t know something I’ll just say “you’ll have to excuse me for not knowing that, I’m just a girl you see. ” Do I downplay other women by saying that? Possibly, but I’m sure you girls can do your own fighting, and once most of us know what php.ini is, men can stop treating us as if we didn’t know.

Same thing with dating guys. I command to be treated as an individual. The way I do this is by not getting insulted every time a guy makes a reference to women who are bad drivers or who are too clingy or what ever. Let’s face it, there are a lot of women who drive really badly. I can handle my car, and the fact that other women can’t is an advantage to me and I can impress guys by knowing what a solenoid is. Most guys don’t know what a solenoid is and even though I have learned things I know mostly from guys, what sets me apart from other women is that I pay attention and I am interested in such matters. This in itself is impressive to most guys and what ever stereotypes people may have about women I take them as “they’re talking about the others, not me.” (Until they come up with a stereotype I fit in. Like girls like pink. I love pink, but since that’s true, it is not going to offend me.)

But knowing about guy stuff doesn’t mean you have to stop wearing pink and collecting Barbie. In fact, that’s just an attractive contrast to most guys. Femininity is a turn on as long as it doesn’t mean a complete shut down of the masculine side of things. I can watch AFL footy enjoying it tremendously while styling the hair of a Barbie. These things can go hand in hand if you allow them to.

I think one of the biggest flaws of a woman is to be touchy and easily insulted. Same goes with any group that gets insulted for every little thing that is said about them, like lets say black people who take offence every time someone mentions anything about black people, true or false. People who take themselves and their group too seriously are quite difficult to hang out with, and the last thing people want is to spend time with someone who is easy to offend. (It is because you have to throw your sense of humour out of the window and constantly be aware of what you say and how you say it so that it can’t be taken the wrong way. It is stressing and tiring.) There is one more advantage of treating yourself as an individual; it gives you a reason to do so with others as well. I swear I have never believed “All men are pigs” or anything similar, because to me each man is an individual to be found out. Sure, I have made generalisations of the like “Finnish men are hard to talk to” but at the same time I know that there are some Finnish men that are really easy to talk to.

Generalisations are sometimes often useful but they should not be treated as a fact. Each individual should be compared to the generalisation and decided where they are different, because it is very rare that a person will fit a stereotype in every aspect, and it is very rare that a person doesn’t fit any stereotype in any aspect. Also we need to be aware that some stereotypes are complete rubbish (like all black people steal) while some can be more accurate like “most men are not good at picking up women”. And it all starts by realising, that if you decide for that person what he’s going to think about you before you even give him the proper information about you, how is he ever going to know the real you? And if you think you can’t make men (white people, or the people who’s country you’re living in) change their mind about you, what does that make you? Someone who can’t let go of a prejudice, maybe?

Popularity: 19%

How often do you wonder if you’re weird… Or deviant… Or if there’s something wrong with you? Currently I’m thinking that I’m weird and there must be something wrong with me, because I can’t remember ever seriously considering the possibility that there might be something WRONG with me. Of course I’m aware that I am weird in more than one ways, and that I’m not like everyone else, but to me that’s always been kind of cool. I mean, why would you want to be normal anyway? Normal, completely normal, is boring. If you do everything like the average person and there’s nothing weird about you that people can describe you with, what kind of an impression do you leave? Yeah. None what soever. Except being kind of creepy for being completely normal.

As you may know, I collect Barbie. A lot of fellow collectors have at least started out by lying to cashiers that they’re buying gifts and even have Barbies gift wrapped because they’re too embarrassed to be buying toys for themselves. I’ve always found it kind of fun to announce that “no need to gift wrap, it’s for my own plays” and then pay attention to the look they give you. Sometimes it is amused, sometimes admiring, sometimes it questions whether or not you were joking and if they should wrap the Barbie anyway. I just love to see the reactions, what ever they are. During several interviews I’ve given to Finnish media about Barbie collecting they always ask me if I play with the dolls, and if they are allowed to tell the audience that I do when I tell them I do. My standard reply: “Oh, do tell if you want, I have no shame.”

And that’s what it is about, isn’t it? Being ashamed for not fitting the norm. Who has created these expectations? Who are we trying to please? Or you, I should ask, because I have no idea. I think what helped me was the fact that I have had no cousins but I had 3 aunties and 2 uncles, all of which were quite… Well weird. Especially my Auntie-Hilkka, my mom’s eldest sister. She is a hoot, I tell you. She never thinks twice if she should jump squares in the middle of the city at the ripe age of 60 if she wants to, or if she should blow bubbles or take a few dance steps while she’s at it. When I was a kid, I collected poems and aphorisms from friends and family into my little book. She wrote, I can’t remember the whole thing, but it finished: “…and never be too old to sit at the store stairs for a scoop of ice-cream.” I have carried that with me all my life, and no matter how successful I’ll be, no matter how “professional” people expect me to be, I will not give up my right to be weird.

Popularity: 11%