Childfree woman, aren’t you being selfish?
April 13th, 2010 | 
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Imagine this… At a BBQ out at a friends place, a mother is looking at the playing kids in the garden and making conversation:
Mother: So, do you have kids?
Woman: Oh no, not us.
Mother: Oh I’m sorry.
Woman: No need, we’re childless by choice.
Mother: Childless by choice? Isn’t that a bit selfish?
Woman: Oh, so you adopted yours?
Mother: Oh no, why would you say that? They’re all ours.
Woman: I was just wondering, since you called me selfish – so you didn’t want yours?
Mother: What ever do you mean? Of course I wanted mine! I love them!
Woman: Oh then it must be your superior genes that will enhance the gene pool of the man kind?
Mother: What must be? What do my genes have to do with this? I have my health problems just as anyone else!
Woman: Well, do enlighten me, if you wanted yours, you weren’t pushed into it by someone else and you deliberately planned your children, but not for the genetic good of mankind, then how does that make you self-sacrificing enough for you to call me selfish even though you don’t have the foggiest idea about my motivations or how I spend my days?
Mother: Oh well, I don’t know if selfish is the right word, but I mean I wanted to offer a child a happy a loving home, and I spend my days nurturing the children and making sure they’ll have a good life – that’s what I mean.
Woman: But you didn’t offer a home to a child. You WANTED a child because you had the NEED to nurture, and you CREATED a life despite the fact there are a multitude of children who already were here living in poverty or neglected and mistreated, who needed homes and love, but since you WANTED a CHILD OF YOUR OWN genetic make-up, you created one, despite over-crowding, despite the fact each extra person on the planet is an ecological disaster, despite the possibility that your child will not be happy with you, because you wanted one and pompously decided that any child should be happy to be your kid. Then, you decided to repeat the process. Now, I don’t have a problem with that, but don’t you dare call me selfish.
This conversation is fictional, but the fact that childfree people are labelled selfish just because, isn’t.
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I've written a book, people!
Wait Until You're Old and Alone - Thoughts About Being Childless by Choice
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Good article.
You were quick.
Thank you. :p
Well posted!
I have relatives you have fed me the “You are selfish!” line when I said I wasn't planning on having kids. My own mother even said that to me.
I just don't understand how that is selfish…especially since if I change my mind, I woudl adopt a kid since there are many kids who need loving homes! But no, they call me selfish because I don't want to have a kid myself.
I just don't get it.
Yeah, definitely. We were just talking with hubby about this yesterday, that if there ever would come a situation where we would think that a kid might be a good idea, we would definitely adopt rather than try one ourselves. It just doesn't make sense to make more.
Just like boob jobs for teenagers and a host of other medical procedures, I question the reasoning behind fertility treatments. I mean, if God blesses couples with little angels from heaven, then conversely, why should couples who are not able to have children force God to cough up another cherub? I thought their religion was supposed to teach them to accept what they cannot change and all that. It is a shame to bring a life on this planet, purely for ego-driven genetic perpetuation reasons. Not when there are so many babies who are born unwanted, unloved and helpless.
I mean, look around, isn't it clear to see that the underlying cause for most of the environmental problems we have is merely that the numbers of humans on Earth has surpassed the Earth's viability or rather its ability to cope with the stress that large numbers of wasteful humans produce?
I guess this is sort of a eye opener to a lot of people out there. I think if she adopted the children then this would be another story.
Really nice Conversation! I have to agree the childless woman – if someone is selfish than it is the mother not the other woman. Every woman has to decide by herself if she wants a child or not. Nobody has the right to adjudicate on the mode of living of others.
I think the underlying idea is the “go forth and multiply and fill the earth” or something along those lines. But the way I see it: We've done that! We've filled the Earth and then some. If that is the only command that humanity HAS fulfilled, that is it!
I also agree on the fertility treatments… Not from the point of view of the God, but simple biology: There is usually a reason why nature does things the way it does, including make someone infertile. I know that is an insensitive thing to say when people are struggling to get pregnant, including a close friend of mine, but I say it anyway.
When I mentioned adoption a person I knew who had struggled for years with dismal fertility treatments (I didn't want the details but I had to hear them) she looked at me as if I had personally offended her. A few years later, long after the successful birth of her child, I was invited to their home. I was appalled to see a few glaring examples of potential child hazards. I mean, I don't have children so I shouldn't be THAT sensitive to possible dangers but they were pretty obvious. Like a lack of guards on the steps and a pool design like a death trap.
Anyway, one thing I don't understand is. When I was growing up, all your ever heard was the growing dangers of overpopulation.. how the Earth would soon reach its breaking point. So what has changed since that time except more mouths to feed? People just seem to want to ignore the problem and aim at being octomom.
Maybe the warning came too early, and when nothing that bad happened… And population grows during decades, it's not like you notice it growing suddenly. If we'd gone from the population 300 years ago to what we have now within one year, people would be screaming the end of the world. We've adjusted little by little… People have the tendency to do what they can get away with for as long as they can. And since “everyone else is doing it”…
On the telling friends about trying for adoption when they have been struggling for years to have a child and fertility treatments are not working.
I had a friend who had so many failed fertility treatments and I mentioned why did her husband and she not adopt. She looked at me like I was insane and said, “Then it would not be OUR child. I don't want a stranger pretending to be my child. It has to be of our genes or it is fake!” I thought that was the most selfish thing I ever heard.
She and her husband were never able to have a child despite the numerous fertility treatments and after her comments on adoption, I am glad.
I'm glad too… Sometimes you hear this “I have so much love to give so I must have a child” and they think it's “unconditional”. Bullocks! If it's unconditional, it can be directed towards anyone, your own child, someone else's child, your adopted child, an animal, plants, even.
A fake child… *rolls her eyes*
I'm 56, divorced 3 times, and never had children because at 19, I am childless by choice and don't consider myself selfish for not adding to the world's over-population. No regrets and LOVE your “conversation”!!!
I don't think being childless is selfish. It's a choice and maybe there is a reason why some don't want to have a child.
Well, that's good if you want children and make them happy.