My Dear Hard Drive

Recently I read a story of an “unappreciated mother” who complained how she does everything for her kids being a single mom, but the father of the kids get all the glory even though they only see him for a few hours a month. Now, I found it very hard not to gloat, being childless by choice, but I do understand that she didn’t ask for it and she went into it hoping for the best like every parent always does. However… Having a little different point of view to motherhood than most women, I wanted to ask you fence sitters a few questions…

First; If your children never said they loved you, never gave you a voluntary hug, and even at the age of 25 still thought you were kind of silly and stupid, well past their teen years that is, would you still want to be a mother? Don’t you think that even if they didn’t yell at you and call you names, but just didn’t give you respect and love that you think you deserved, but treated you politely enough without putting much emotion into it, wouldn’t you feel robbed? I happen to believe that this is very common, of all the people I know, only one calls their mother to tell her good news or to tell them they feel kind of blue. The rest would rather cut out their tongue than call their mother for support.

Do you think you can avoid problems by raising your kids well? Do you know how old your kids will be at the time when you no longer will be their most important influence in life? Do you realise, that you can’t control every aspect their life after they go to school, and this will bring in bad influence, as well as ideas that you might not agree with. (Religion or the lack there of for example.) The sad fact is, that you will have very little control over your child’s development and choices, a lot less than what you would want to have. The time when you are most inexperienced at raising a kid will be the time that the foundation for the world is laid… They say. Scary, no?

You do realise of course, that no matter how much you might want someone to take care of you when you get old, your kids might not be even in the same country let alone by your bed side?

Thinking of a basically good person, law abiding and who gets along with other people and is a well-rounded individual, imagine the worst kind of a (16-30 year old) person you can think of. Someone idiotic, as you would see them, who you really can’t get along with. Someone who’s values are completely different to yours, who seems to always do things wrong… Say; how they see work: “I only work for money” “I don’t want to work” “I want to be really rich one day”. How they see house work: “I have to get everything clean” “Oh don’t worry, I’ll go back to bed in the evening, there’s simply no point making the bed!” Or how they see other people and their value: “That kid doesn’t have a job, there’s no way I’ll hang out with him.” “I don’t care who I’m friends with, as long as they accept me.” Someone who disagrees with everything you say about religion and morals – which ever way you see them – and now, imagine that person is your kid. And don’t even think it’s not possible to have kid that different from yourself, how much like your parents are you really? And then, what about me for example? Do you still want to be a parent, if this was your kid, or your only kid? (Go as far backward towards the ideal and see how much you think you would not be able to forgive and how close to your ideal the kid should be that you will be able to love the child so that even the child knows you love them, without criticism and bad feelings.)

How about this: When your kids call you, your first thought is: “Do you need money?”

I know you mothers will now say: “I will love them despite all that.” And I agree, you will. I know you will, I would. But you see, no matter HOW MUCH you love them, even if it was so much it hurt and your heart was ready to bust out of your chest, that is unconditional love. Regardless of the fancy reputation unconditional love has, it’s cheap. It’s cheap, because it comes unconditionally, without demands. It’s undeserved. Your kids won’t give a shit of your unconditional love, if you can’t accept them as persons – and sadly, many parents don’t. Kids need acceptance from you, not unconditional love. They know that acceptance comes because you’re proud of them and they did good… That is what your kid is after, not your undying unconditional love. As much as it’s unconditional, it’s granted. It can, and will be taken for granted. If you don’t love your kid unconditionally, then you’re nothing but a shit mom, you get where I’m going with this? Screw the love, can you accept them?

I don’t even go as far as to birth defects, as they horrify us all anyway.

If you can live with the risk, then you might be mom-material… I would be too, if I was guaranteed my kid would be much like me or my husband, but good heavens if they turn out like one of their grand parents! … Or they never grew up past 5 years of age. The trouble with them is that there’s no return policy with them. Maybe there should be though… We could swap them around so that we would get a good parent/child match… I think a lot of parents never think about their children as adults, only as little cuddly thingys that are lovely and squeezable… And they raise them under the assumption there’s “plenty of time” to deal with issues and problems. And a lot of times, mothers carry a lot of guilt for not raising their kids “better” even though the kid was very happy about their life, but the mother thinks it’s not right – let’s say that your kid didn’t want kids of their own, and you thought in order for them to be happy they need a child, and since they don’t want one, it must be your fault… Etc etc.

There’s a few of the more complicated reasons I’m on this side of the fence.