My Dear Hard Drive

This new year has started off great for me. I think it was the 2nd or 3rd of January, when I went and got my aura photo taken, as I’ve always been curious about it. Without going into a great detail, I’ll just post a photo…

Me with my logo created in 2007 and my aura photo 2010

But what has to do with this post today, is that green area. Green on your left side of the aura (my left) means healing that is coming to your being. The closer it is, the faster you’ll feel it’s effects. In my case, I think I already was feeling them when I got the photo taken, so I wasn’t surprised. I have been healing since the beginning of the year both physically and psychologically, but mainly the latter. I have understood a great variety of issues I’ve been struggling with all my life, some of them I’ve managed to put to rest.

The main issue: My mother.

As those who know me, know I have mother-issues. The issues stem from my deep respect for my mother, and a great need to make her proud. Instead of making her proud, I’ve always felt like a complete failure in her eyes in every regard, even though I’ve been proud of myself in my own eyes. I have been carrying a lot of anger about it (the red in the edges of my aura, btw) but it wasn’t until about a week or two ago that I understood the real problem. It wasn’t that she was disappointed or disapproving, it was because I, myself, have been carrying a lot of quilt for not being “the right kind” and disappointing her. That is not to say that she would be happy about me, but what I understood was that it doesn’t matter. It is not my duty to be the perfect daughter. I am what I am, and the only thing I can possibly do with what I am is to run with it. If my mom can’t let go of her quilt of not doing a better job at raising me, it’s not really my problem anymore – although I wish she will get over her quilt. As soon as I realised my own quilt, I was able to let it go – even though I’ve always thought my mom should somehow release me of it. I felt powerless to release myself.

Now that I have let go of my quilt, I can appreciate my mom in a completely new way. She doesn’t have to be perfect, she’s only a human as well, even though I always saw her as a goddess. Failing to be a goddess, I became angry at her for it. Not really fair, is it?
Second issue: Those without talent train

We have a humorous saying in Finland, “those without talent train”, meaning, that the talented ones are perfect as they are and should not be forced to practise their craft. Unfortunately, I have always taken that kind of seriously, even though I knew it wasn’t intended being serious. I don’t really edit my writing after it’s done. I hate fine tuning things, and I give up as soon as something turns into something resembling work. The reason why I do this is because it always gives me an excuse that if it’s not perfect, it’s just because I didn’t put the same amount of effort into it than others did. I have now understood this, and admitted it publicly. Maybe the next step could be that I can start training and practising. (In Finnish, we don’t have the dual meaning of “practising”, which in English can be used together with a professional in the field, even the professionals are still practising in English, which is just fantastic. In Finnish, professionals don’t practise anymore, they just work.)

Third issue: I have to be the first, the only one or the best

This has been a life long issue for me. I can’t STAND losing or being second best at anything. If I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m not the best, I rather pull out of it completely. I use rationale like: “Oh I can do it by myself.” or “I don’t know, it didn’t look like something I’d enjoy doing for any length of time.” Now, I have to come to terms with the fact that I am not the only writer, the first writer nor the best writer in the world, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t be one of the respected (or paid!) ones. That will have to be good enough. It should be good enough for anyone.

So, I have joined a writers community online, and who knows, maybe soon I will read out stuff to people who also write and who write in a native language and who will know if I suck… Or if I’m good.

And maybe, just maybe, I will be able to publish an ebook and say that I want money for it, even though I’m not the best writer in the world, I still might deserve a pay.

Fourth issue: I need attention

Yesterday I was reading about attention seeking behaviours and was relieved to find out that even though some of the short descriptions of a mental disorder applied to me, at least I don’t resort to bullying and manipulations in my attention seeking. In fact, most of the methods do not make sense to me at all, like if I want attention TO ME, I see no sense trying to pretend to be someone else or something else, like some of these people do. Admitted, I did use some of these attention seeking tactics quite knowingly a couple of months ago when I pulled the “oh poor ol’ me toiling my tail off for you guys”-routine and felt quite uncomfortable doing it, but I wasn’t going to let my hard work go unappreciated and cast aside when it deserved an opened arms -welcome. It worked, to my horror. I’m never going to do that again. The point of this is that I must accept that I have human weaknesses. I am vain. What can I do other than start/continue doing things that are worth of attention and make sure people take notice. If they don’t, there’s nobody to blame but me.

So all and all, it’s been an exercise in taking responsibility of myself, long time overdue at that. I have been living on about 1/10 steam, so maybe now I’ll be able to kick myself into gear. Wish me luck (and courage).