My Dear Hard Drive

Bah. You know how I’ve always said I wouldn’t want to have children? Like ever since I knew it was a choice..? My childhood best friend just had a baby daughter, and she seems very happy – I’ve been following her updates on Facebook, the first time I’ve ever taken much notice of someone having babies. I’m really happy for her too, even though we haven’t really been close since we were 16 or something. Anyway, somehow her having a baby struck a chord with me. Even though a lot of my school mates have had kids already, some being over ten years old by now, I’ve never really thought about it as a viable option for someone my age. It seemed like something grown up people do, and I would have plenty of time to change my mind if I ever would.

Now when my best friend, who I played with, spent time with and who I remember enjoying her Weetbix and having chocolate all over her face, is a mom now, it suddenly became very clear to me that I am in the age, and not only in the age, but in the last legs of the age that people start having kids. 33 isn’t a spring chicken anymore. Do I finally hear the biological clock ticking? Is that the sound?

When I ask myself why is this effecting me now, I reply: “My life hasn’t got much meaning to it.” Ah, and isn’t that the reason people have kids, more or less? But I still insist that having children will not solve the problem, it merely distracts you from the insanity of it all and gives you an easy lift in social status. Easy, as in more or less anyone can do it regardless of talent, financial situation or intellect. It doesn’t even take too much time to get started. Now, when I think about it, wouldn’t it be just nice to have a kid and for once in my life act my age? That would make me an adult for sure, not just some sad loser trying to cling to my youth and single life by blogging about it and planning a dating site… People would take me seriously just like that, I have a baby to look after! It’s not just me anymore.

And just like that I disregard the wish to have a baby. Just like drinking alcohol, I haven’t got a good enough reason to do it yet. I have a husband to make and keep happy, isn’t that just as worthy cause for a life as keeping a child healthy and happy, or did his value go down after he turned 18? Or is he less of a value because he’s not related by blood? Of course not, but that is how it works, isn’t it? Each year you’ve lived makes you less important than the ones coming after you, because you’ve had that many more years to live I suppose… Maybe it’s just our fascination with new things and new people. Babies are like new living toys that you get to make into what ever you want. The ultimate customization project.

Bleh bleh and bleh. We all know that logical reasons for having children are far and between, if not non-existent, but as we are not machines we do illogical things and sometimes feel bad for not doing illogical things. And even now, I clearly feel I don’t want to have a baby, I want meaning for my life which I strongly believe does not come with a baby, with any more certainty as it comes with a good hobby or a job you enjoy or what ever. Do I make even the slightest bit of sense here?

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