My Dear Hard Drive

unless they make me look really good. And of course, most of the time they describe the best of you and the more accurate they are, the more I like them, because the better it sounds and then believe them. This is to say that believe it or not, at least it gives me a reason to self-reflection, which is a favourite past time of mine.

This is the article I somehow found online today. It’s about Aries women, which I am of course. I am also a fiery Dragon, which doesn’t help me in regards of being softer and a nicer, more feminine personality. Nah. This article says Aries women are naturally funny, but prone to depression and thus drugs and alcohol, also dragons are prone to drinking a lot. It also says we (Aries women) are curious as children, and also infallibly just (fair). All of those qualities I believe to be mine, except the depression. I do get bored sometimes, but I don’t know if I’ve been depressed in the clinical sense. However, I have always had a fear of alcohol and drugs believing that they can easily destroy me if I go anywhere near them. (My Aries father says the same.) I believe that, because I have no ability to deny myself things that I enjoy, unless I simply cannot afford them. I’m also very competitive, and drinking would totally be one more thing to compete at; either by who drinks less or who drinks the most, and the way I see it, it is healthier to compete in the fore mentioned. If I was drinking, I know I would make a point of drinking the strongest stuff available and the larger the amounts, the better. Loudly. I would probably make fun of people who couldn’t drink as much as I do – pretty much the person I hate the most when I go out clubbing myself and watching everyone getting drunker while I stay sober.

They say Aries’ are very physical in every sense of the word, but that is one thing I can’t really identify with. I don’t do sports, most of the time I hate the whole idea of it. Probably not because I hate the sport as such, but I hate losing. Any physical exercise to me is a competition, and if I can’t win, I won’t do it. As it happens, I’m not very good at many sports, due to lack of practice probably, but what ever the reason, I’m not very good. The physical activity that I do enjoy is dancing. I happen to be quite good at it, and it is hard to judge without a question who’s the best dancer. Regardless of the end result, I get a lot of admiration by dancing, and that is one reason I love it. It’s nearly impossible to make me interested in sports. I walk fast though, because every physical activity is a competition to me, and even if it’s just walking on the street I need to be the fastest. If you try to convince me to do sport because it’s “good for me”, you can probably see how irritable I get for just the mere thought. If you add, that we don’t have to keep score, I could probably strangle you for even suggesting such idiotic thing. That to me is like waving a red flag at a bull, “what, you’re saying I CAN’T beat you?!” Then I’ll probably say out loud: “What’s a point of it if we don’t keep score? Sure we can keep score.” I’m very sore looser of course, which is something my husband learned very early on. We hadn’t even met in person yet, but we spent time on instant messengers, and the Yahoo one has backgammon on it. I had never played the game before and didn’t have much of an idea of the rules, and of course I lost. My Darling did a fatal mistake of making fun of me for loosing. He is a sledger you know, that’s his idea of having fun winning. To him it’s not about the victory, it’s about sledging, and that’s not a good combination when it comes to two types of gamers. I’m not quite sure what I did at that point prior to shutting all my messengers down, but it became evident to my husband, that you don’t make fun of dear ol’ Sebbie if she looses. Trust me, he has never made the same mistake again.

Then there’s the aspect of being fair. I don’t think anyone has ever told me that I was being unfair. I am careful not to say anything that was unfair to another person, even if I was judging them on their looks for example. I never go further than what I can prove to be correct, partly because of the competitiveness, I can’t say something that someone might prove to be wrong, right? Of course, when I’m in the position of a leader, and one of my people gets out of line, especially if they get into words among each other, I am quick to take sides if it is possible at all. Usually I pick the right side in the terms of fair, but I have known to take the wrong side due to loyalty toward a friend. I am fiercely loyal to whomever I consider a friend, even though I don’t elevate people to the friend status too easily. (It comes with a lot of responsibilities in my case.) However, if you cross me, I can cut all ties as easily as I had scissors in my hands. I don’t regret relationships I have ended, because by the time I end the relationship, I know that I have done everything in my power to make the relationship work without changing the person and if it doesn’t work, it won’t work, be it a friendship or a love affair. One of those on-of-and-on-again relationships.. I don’t understand. Sure, I can understand having sex with an ex lacking better ideas, but mixing emotion to that is just beyond me. I can also understand being friends with an ex, but going back and forth between being together or not being together is just something I don’t get. Filing for a divorce and then getting back together is something that will have my eye brows raised as far as they go, you know, how can you hurt someone so much and then not mean it in the end?

I don’t have problems hurting people. In fact, I rather enjoy it. But you have to mean it. That’s just being fair! You don’t go around making emotional stabs at people and then go: “oh I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it!” I could forgive people for hurting me  with the best effort they can put into it, and then apologizing saying they got really really fucking angry at me and they couldn’t help but to do that, but say: “I didn’t mean it!” That to me doesn’t deserve any other reply other than “well fuck you then, bitch, who needs enemies when you have friends like you?!” Would you like to hang around a 5-year old holding a loaded gun? Nah, neither would I, and that is what a friend who insults/hurts you without meaning it is to me.

Apparently, we’re not very likable people, Aries women, when you first meet us. We can be rather prickly and socially awkward, said the article. I totally agree. This is partly my Finnishness, but also a lot of it is my personality. I don’t go out of my way to be friendly and likable towards a stranger or a friend of a friend. I usually judge people during the first 5 seconds I meet them. If by then I haven’t decided I’d like to be their friend, I won’t try to make much of an impression. As I said, friendship comes with a lot of responsibility, and being friendly with someone carries the risk of the relationship turning into a friendship. However, I sometimes, fairly rarely, meet a person and consciously decide to make friends with him or her. I recently met a girl who my husband friend had had a crush on for years. I’d been thinking that how can’t he just get over her, but as soon as I met her, I understood. When I got home with my husband, I told him: “I’m going to make a friend out of her”. He laughed a little, as in “it’s not that easy to just turn people into friends” but I did make her into a friend. I usually make friends easily, when I want to. That is not really something you would instantly know about me, because normally I make an effort not to make any new friends.

We are also quite self-centered, it seems. A friend of an Aries commented that it was all about her, even though they had the best of time, it was often quite one-sided. I can relate to that, and that is a problem for me too. That’s why I pick people who can take their ground around me without me helping them to. I mean, that if you don’t draw a line for me, I will cross it and take your space as well, or pull into myself to make sure you get all the space there – and I hate being that way, and I don’t want to do that anymore. It sucks the life out of me. I love talking about myself – take a look at the length of this one! – and I love it when people can be with me and still shine themselves. That is what I go for in a friend. Someone who I don’t have to reassure or pamper. Someone who takes care of themselves. That is not to say that I wouldn’t love to take care of people, help them and push them forward, as I do, I absolutely love doing that. But I don’t call that friendship. I call that helping. Friendship, to me, must be a two way street and equal. If I help someone, I tend to keep my distance a bit. They would probably not notice though, as I don’t have secrets and talk about myself and my personal life without hesitation. That to a lot of people is a sign of friendship. To me that’s just talking… About my favourite topic. I love strong people, and unfortunately that has led me to some narcissists, in the true, clinical sense of the word. I am attracted to people with a strong personality and no shame in showing it, but with narcissists it comes with an equally strong lack of regard towards other people. These people can take advantage of you, to push themselves forward, and to make themselves seem bigger, better and brighter. That is not fair, and you already know how important being fair is to me.

Aries is the ruler of the head (and face). Coincidentally, I once told someone, maybe my mother, that I’m not afraid of anything. I have what is important to me right here on my shoulders, and nobody can take it away from me without killing me and if they kill me I no longer care. In that sense I feel indestructible. Sure, maybe I lose my mind one day, but if I lose my mind, I won’t care about it then as I no longer won’t be able to understand it anyway. It is what is in my head that matters, nothing else matters that much.

Ironically, not a lot of people know me very well. I think a lot of people think they know me, due to the fact I talk about myself a lot… At least when I’m together with one person only, which strengthens the belief it’s a friendship thing. In a crowd I’m mainly silent. This is because I’m self-centered and choosy. A lot of times, I can’t see a reason to talk to people in crowds. I don’t want to impress them if I don’t want to make friends. A lot of times, being interested in them would result into them thinking that I’m interested in friendship with them too, and more often than not, being interested in them would be pretending, and I’m not big on pretending. I even shut up when I’m with more than one friend, unless it is a situation that I have brought two of my friends who don’t know each other with me for some reason. Then I’ll talk, but any other situation I’m mostly silent. I’m not quite sure why that is. I’m usually quite happy to listen and I don’t want to interrupt anyone. Maybe I don’t have anything to add to a conversation, anything that someone else couldn’t say. I normally jump in when someone is lost of words and needs help expressing what they mean to say or if I really disagree with something that was said. That’s when communication starts to make sense again. There are things I don’t normally let people see. Like that I’m a hopeless romantic. I believe in eternal love and that shite. Most people won’t see me bawling my eyes out watching a tear-jerker on a telly… Like an advertisement with animals in it, for example. I cry at beautiful things, cute things, good things. I shed tears of joy when someone succeeds. But if someone asks me how I felt about it, I’ll simply say: “Yea it was alright.”

Are you an Aries or a Dragon or both? How do we compare?

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