My Dear Hard Drive

Aussies, when they go out into the world, have an idea about their country and their people. We all do. We all tell stories about the way our people are, and are quick to add that, of course, I’m not like that. The thing is, not many people are. Aussies are interesting, because there are some things that are common with them, that they would never ever utter out loud, unless the conversation is very serious and there’s no beer involved. I’m here to reveal the Aussie lies.

Australians, not counting the aborigine, as you know, are descendants of convicts. A lot of them are, anyway. The other lot is descendants of jailers and explorers, who often were just as tough as the convicts were – often tougher. You see, most of the convicts sent to Australia weren’t really criminals at all. They might have been starving to death on the over crowded streets of London and stolen food to survive the night. The jails were full and Australia needed to be populated. There’s your solution. Regardless, a lot of Australians are descendants of lower class Brits. That has given Australians a bit of a reputation that they lovingly protect.

They will tell you that everyone is rough as guts over there. They drink like fish and have fist fights for a laugh. They are crude and rude and call their women sheilas. I live in Tasmania, which is supposed to be one of the roughest parts of Australia, where civilisation hasn’t yet stepped its foot, and where criminals like the Chopper and Mad Max prosper. That’s a load of crock of course! People here are friendly and polite, and when you mention “sheila” they roll their eyes like you do when you’ve heard a joke a few too many times. This is the first place on earth that I’ve been addressed as “ma’am” by a teen aged boy, who apologised for biking on the same track I used. (And, to add, had every right to be there.)

Aussies will tell you tales about the types of Aussies like Donk in Crocodile Dundee, when in fact it’s more common to see one like the Dundee himself than one of those Donks. They will tell you to watch Wolf Creek, and try to convince you that yeah, we kill backpackers all the time in the out back! They still want you to believe that that’s what Aussies are like, because they take delight in seeing you gasping in horror and, on a more noble note, they like you to think your country is better than theirs. They wouldn’t want to embarrass you by telling what Aussies and Australia really are like.

For example, they wouldn’t tell you that the average IQ in Australia is 110. (USA’s average is 90, while world average is 100.) They wouldn’t tell you about the surf on their beaches, the lushness of their forests, the lovely hot summers or dog parks that most people would kill to be able to have a holiday in. They won’t ever point to the direction of the Aussie surfer hotties, that everyone knows are there, but you won’t hear an Aussie mentioning them. Instead, if you talk to them about surfing, they point out all the poisonous creatures living under the sea, the surf that takes lives without discrimination – like their prime minister’s in the 60′s. They will talk about the nature disasters and how they irresponsibly pollute and litter, without ever mentioning the fierce objection to development that threatens their historical sites or nature, or that every other advertisement on the telly is for a charity. They won’t mention the superb health care system they have but they will tell you stories about every horrible doctor they’ve ever met in their lives. They exaggerate the negative and play down the positive, just to make you feel your country is fine too. In addition, they lavish you with compliments about all the wonderful things about your country, everything they wish they had and they do this quite sincerely.

They tell you that they left Australia because they couldn’t handle the people, when in reality, they are just naturally curious and want to experience things. Saying that would be saying that you’re not much of a person because you never travelled though, and they would not want to make you feel inferior in any way. The Aussie sheilas will assure you that the Australian man is not as sophisticated as your lot, because they want to boost your ego a bit (so they don’t have to go without romance) and to make you believe you stand a chance after all those heartthrob Aussie blokes who they keep sending to Hollywood for reinforcements. Like  Chase in House. There’s your typical Aussie bloke. Not Donk! (Chase is, btw, a genuine Aussie, it’s not just his role.)

They won’t brag unless it’s their team playing sport against yours. Then you’ll get to know the Australian pride. Their jocks are tougher than yours. They will stay on the field with their leg broken and head tucked under their arm. Nothing stops the Australian sport star! Their games are tougher, their referees are fairer, and their sportsmanship is impeccable. Often times, all of it is true. They love their sports and they love to sledge you during the game, but once the game is over, they are again your best friends.

Australians may be rough as guts on the outside, but in the inside, they are lovable creatures that love their fun, often at your expense if you don’t have a sense of humour or wit to defend yourself. They value nothing as much as cleverness and toughness, and hate nothing more than stupidity and pettiness, and while you may feel all superior for having a crime free pedigree, you better think again, as I bet you have nothing on them.