Are you trying to turn Mr. OK into Mr. Right?
December 11th, 2008 | 
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How many times have you heard the advice: you have to work on your relationship? To me it sounds like: “If I want to work on my relationship, I have to imagine what I would do if I was truly in love with the person I’m with.” Already there is a problem. There was a problem to start with.
In my opinion marriages don’t fail because of the lack of trying. People don’t give up too easily. In my opinion, a lot of people are going too far into the relationship with people they shouldn’t have gone beyond the fourth date or something. People stay in relationships that don’t work, because they DON’T WANT TO GIVE UP. They don’t want to feel like they wasted all that time with the wrong person, so they rather work on the relationship to make the wrong person right. What do you think the chances of that working are?
People who are not in a good relationship see other couples who go have dinners at restaurants, take picnics and spend time together as examples of people who work on their relationship. “We should do that” they say. People who are doing that though probably are not thinking about things they HAVE TO do with their partner, but things they GET TO do together.
Having a good working relationship doesn’t mean not having problems. Sure you might have problems, but when there is that one thing that works; you love spending time together and see each other as friends, then the rest of the problems can be solved. Spending time together is a break from everything else, and there’s one more thing I don’t quite get: “Spending time together as a couple”. It suggests that there is some things that couples do that make the relationship work better, and that it somehow difficult to do or I don’t know… It’s something special, something that neighter one of you would probably want to do really. Watching the telly isn’t probably going to contribute to your relationship, even though I think when added to the rest of the things you do together, it can be a good way to relax together and just wind down. The other things should come naturally, things you like to do anyway. If you are with the right person, you probably have a whole range of things you like doing together, and not necessarily “as a couple”. In fact, it might be that you have to actually think about what it is that you are not doing together, like things you do with just your friends or alone, but of course, those things are important as well and you shouldn’t live without anything else in your life apart from your partner – that’s not healthy either.
Finding that right person is a very hard task. The more quirks you have, the harder it is to find that right person. I know though, that with persistence you will find the right person, and being alone should always be a more appealing option than a relationship that doesn’t work. You shouldn’t be afraid of being alone, because the alone times are always a chance for us to make things better. Make ourselves better, make our lives better, and to find that special someone that will make put a silver lining to every cloud in your life.
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You have a really nice blog. Great Job….now
To start with I disagree on what you said
quote: “People stay in relationships that don’t work, because they DON’T WANT TO GIVE UP”
I met my husband on the internet on Jan 1st. 2001, He had answered my Love@AOL ad. We met in person on Jan 6th and got married in Vegas on Feb 14th, and yes, all in the same year.
At any rate, We really didn’t know each other. I had two teenagers at the time, one of which was a rebellious teenager, thinking this man is taking away her mommy. So we argued a lot, and he threatened to get a divorce several times. This went on for about a year. In the mean time, we were still getting to know each other and I would NOT GIVE UP! I was not going to get another divorce.
We are now almost 8yrs HAPPILY MARRIED. I can honestly say, We NEVER fight. We don’t argue either. We have what most couples dream about. My husband is my best friend in the whole world and IF I had given up in that first year, we would have missed out on this awesome marriage we have. We even have our own business together, working 24/7 side by side.
Now for the other side. I do agree that spending time together as a couple is very healthy for the relationship. But it may depend on what kind of time. If you both like to go hiking, then both need to go hiking together. Couples need to have couple time, with just them and not friends tagging along every time. Once you know with your heart,mind,soul that this person is the one, and not because the sex is good, but because you have goals in common and everything else just falls into place.
Sheilas last blog post..Real or Fake Tree?
I think you were very lucky indeed. Would you recommend that approach to people though? There are ALWAYS exceptions to the rule, and I consider you to be one of them. Your story is one in the million, and I think it would be irresponsible to tell people that this will work for anyone. Marriage is a big thing and should not be entered into in the mindset of “we’ll fix it later”. Maybe you can do that, maybe you can even do that in every case if you really want to, but why should you, when you can take the time to find the right person to start with? Dr. Phil often says: “Sometimes you make the right decision, but sometimes you have to make the decision right.” I would prefer to go into things with the first option.
What you told me is very rare, but I have heard a lot of people say that they just don’t want to leave the relationship because they’ve been in it for so long. (Often unmarried couples.) They stick around hoping for things to get better, and after a few more years they finally give in. On the other hand it may be a very good growing experience to work on a dysfunctional marriage like you did and come out of it as winners. That takes two though, I’m sure your husband contributed in the work in some way? It wasn’t just you not giving up, was it? Maybe to start with that was the case, but at some point he must have contributed. What if the other person simply won’t do the work? Should you still not give up on the relationship and hope things will get better?
I guess you are right about not giving up working for everyone. It would depend on the relationship, like, is someone being abused,mistreated, then I would say yeah, give up and move on. I have helped many of my friends in their relationships with advise, some had to give up and some did not and it worked. But again, When is the right time to give up is the question?
You said “Find the right person in the beginning”, but how do you really know that, that person is the right one? unless you give it some time.
With my situation, I changed. I become a whole different person, when I met my husband. I didn’t get mad like I used to anymore and he asked me one time in the first year of our marriage, “why don’t you get mad at me” I told him, “cuz if “I” get mad, we will end up in a divorce.”
It’s a long story, but we learned to communicate with each other…..I guess the classes I took in college came to use,..lol…
But your right not every situation is the same. I still believe that if some one truly believes that their relationship is worth holding on to, then give it a chance. But I also believe that in for order for this to happen, 2 people have to have a good communication relationship. Without Communication, There is No Relation…
I hope all that I’m saying makes sense….lol
Sheilas last blog post..Real or Fake Tree?
@Sheila, I think that once you have married, like you did very early on, you have entered the situation when you have to make the decision right instead of making the right decision. You also noted, that it was you getting mad which was the biggest problem. If the problem truly is you, then you can make those changes by yourself. If the problem is incompatible personalities, then there’s little you can do. I don’t really know HOW you know when the right person comes along, I just know that you do.
In my case, I didn’t wait for ages to marry my husband either (we married exactly one year after we met face-to-face), but I had gone through a lot of potential fiancés knowing with each that this is not exactly right. I never have fought with any of my boyfriends. I hate fighting, and the worst I get is I get snappish or argumentative sometimes, but they are rare occasions that never get personal. Even though I am this way, and none of my boyfriends were the arguing type either, I knew they weren’t for me. If there is something bothering you about the situation, it is not right. With my husband, I felt right at home from the first time we met. He was so unbelievably easy to be with. I get relaxed and happy when he’s around, and it was him that I thought about saying that someone special that puts a silver lining to every cloud in your life. He really does that.
@TimeThief, I know, Great Minds, huh?
It’s rather disturbing having you say the same thing I wanted to say on BC all the time! I have to race you to it on the boards. 
It’s amazing how frequently we are in agreement and on such a broad range of subjects too. The key thing that leads to happiness in relationship is selecting well. If you didn’t then admitting that to each other as soon as possible is the way to go. Hanging in there with the unrealistic notion of changing the other party to suit is not only a waste of time, it’s also emotionally damaging.
timethiefs last blog post..Do you love yourself?
Hi again…=)
I didn’t meet my husband now (2nd marriage) til I was 35yr old. With us, It was love at first site when we met. We didn’t even live together til we got married. We got along great, it was only when my daughter would act up that we would disagree and it was not me that started it. I also don’t like to fight/argue. I guess I should have explained myself better. When he asked why I didn’t get mad at him, it was because he and his ex-wife always fought, just like my ex and I did. I did not want to make that mistake again. So I did make those changes by myself. I seen what a wonderful man I had in my life and I was not married to the first husband anymore(boy was that a bad marriage)
I knew my hubby & I were soul mates within a day of being with him, But some people just need more time. They don’t know how to tell, unlike you and I, especially the young ones. You and I knew our husbands were the one from the start, although, I only wait 6wks to get married…lol
Sometimes I feel sorry for couples that fight and are so mean to each other. That is so sad. My husband & I have never said a bad word to each other, ever. I see others that call each other names and hit each other and I feel so lucky to have a wonderful marriage.
Besides my kids, & grand daughter, I have never loved someone so much in my life.
I’m really glad you also have found what I have.
Sheilas last blog post..Real or Fake Tree?
I did everything wrong in my relationship, and yet we are still very happily married a decade later. I still wonder how. There’s no question that Cassy is the better half of our partnership, and that she has never needed me for anything except the companionship – she’s always been the main breadwinner of the household.
Cass has never tried to turn me into Mr. Right, and I have afforded her the same courtesy. And although we have been known to have blazing, full on rows (and many of them), there’s a mutual respect there that has always prevented us from going too far.
I think it’s helpful to take that “for better or worse” bit in the marriage vows to heart. Being in a relationship does take a lot of work, especially during the bad times, but it can often be a whole lot of fun too. You take the good with the bad.
Tony Singles last blog post..Beach Babes and Crabs [Trottersville #86]
[tony]…..that is awesome you both learned to give respect to each other. I do believe that 2 people can change if they really want to and just as we sometimes need a gym partner to motivate us, we also may need our partner to motivate us to change. My husband was my motivation to change from the relationship that I was in before that was really bad.
I’m so grateful for what I have now.
I get so excited everyday, when my husband comes home for lunch and from work.
Up until he re-enlisted in the Army, We were never apart for more than 4dys and that was only once, when he had to go on a business training seminar. and we worked together 24/7. I’m a Real Estate Agent and he was a Loan Officer. Now….I miss him when he’s not here. And I’m really dreading the day, he will be deployed. I have to be strong for our unit, because I am going to be the FRG Leader after the Holidays, but at home it will be killing me inside.
ok, i’m done…lol
Sheilas last blog post..Real or Fake Tree?