What you think of me is none of my business
I read this article by Samsara of Living with Samsara… Oh, to be honest, I didn’t read ALL of it, as it was very very long, but I found it interesting, and stopped reading when something hit me. She wrote:
“Hopefully now, though, you maybe understand a little more why it is you feel uncomfortable when someone decides they want to share with you their less than flattering and less than loving thoughts about you; or share with you someone else’s thoughts about you.”
By golly! I don’t really have a problem with concerning myself over what people think of me, after coming to the realisation that I didn’t care what they thought of me… Except for once, when I had a big fall out with a friend who had a popular blog and an evil tongue that she knew how to use. I was concerned about what kind of stories she would make up about me, but even though I had an access to one of the databases that very likely was being used for the purpose of talking about me, I managed to control my desire to go through it and read it. Maybe I was unrealistic with the interest that people would have with talking about me in the first place, but at the time I think my concerns were valid.
However, that paragraph didn’t remind me of this occasion, but the constant with my mother. Like most mothers, she too makes it very much her business to remind me of all the things I do wrong, think wrong or intend wrong. I have worried myself sick of what she thinks of me, and the irony is, that I worry, because I know her values in this life are so different to mine, that she cannot possibly agree with my choices. So in all in all, what do I worry about anyway? I can’t change her values, and she can’t change mine. It really isn’t my business what she thinks of me, and that is exactly what I should tell her the next time she wants to share a piece of her mind.
There’s a great difference between thinking “I don’t care” and “It’s none of my business” what you think of me. When in fact, normally you do care what people think about you, as you want to make them comfortable around you and all that, so you MUST care. However, what they DO think of you simply isn’t your concern. You’ve done your best to be what they want you to be without compromising who you are, and that is as far as anyone can ask you to go, and from there on, it’s none of your concern… Or is it?
Is this one of those things that have “up to a point” limit? I mean, if a person is being downright rude towards me, without much of a reason, is that person then supposed to ignore my message: “I think you are being unreasonably rude towards me.”
Argh. So… “Unless I’m doing something to hurt your feelings, it’s none of my business what you think of me.” Is that what we’re getting at? (Do I need to read the rest of the article?) And then, I could argue, that since I’m going against my mothers wishes repeatedly, I’m hurting her feelings and making her scared for me. Should that concern me? If you now want to tell me, that but you should not have to change who you are for someone else, I agree, but, what if that rude person really is that rude? Should she be? Is it enough that I just tell her that sorry, your values are not compatible with mine, please go be rude somewhere else. I mean, most times if you want to get rid of someone in your life, you have to give them a reason.
Also, if we are completely oblivious to each others thoughts about ourselves, how do we decide what “being me” is compared to “being her”? (As I believe we all came here to experience different stages of existence. Should the comparison thingy be left to God or who ever is in charge of this experiment called life?) Or should we just examine our own feelings or thoughts about other people? And then, if they think you’re great, should that fall under the same “none of my business” category?
Okay, well I think I get the point of that post, but I guess it’s not universal, like so few things are.
| 2.5 |
Off topic Child Free discussion board.
Should you collect Barbie, try my Barbie board.
Samsara (Who am I?)
5 months ago
Sounds like you don’t know what to make of it or draw the line eh? Mothers are a different animal altogether. I just don’t think they can ever be included in the arbitrary “people” or the plural or informal “you.”
[Strange creatures mothers. We spend our whole life trying to cut the apron strings but then deep down in that dark abyss we'd never admit to, secretly yearn for that phone call that says, "You're doin' AWESOME! Wish I could have been as together as you are!"] The irony.
I appreciate you’re referencing the article in the question of your Mom but, to be honest, yeah I lump my Mom right on in with the rest of the sordid creatures who enjoy making their opinion my business. Of course, she’s my mother, so I have a larger tolerance gauge and a lot more forgiveness when she does it. Not to mention I know she does it out of concern and love; the few times she has ever done it.
I am grateful I’ve never had a Mother who thought it in my best interest to chronically share with me all of my human born defects. Nah…she just insults the people around me who “may be taking advantage” or something similar. So the worst I get is a really kind told you so.
The “None of my business” thought is based on Agreement #2 of the Four Agreements’ “Don’t Take Anything Personally.” In undertsnaing that section, in this instance I decided to relegate it to just the spoken word because the message is still the same:
When people speak about us, TO us, or TO us ABOUT us, no matter what it is [yes, even a compliment] it’s based in their own version of reality or interpretation of the world and reality. [Complete with their culture, education, thought processes, psychology, filter and experiences and [a million other things?].]
It’s just a neat little way to view the world.
Thanks for the reference and linkage, friend!
Neat spot you have here.
Samsara
Samsaras last blog post..Top 7 Drunk and Alcoholic Related Episodes as a Kid
Sebastyne (Who am I?)
5 months ago
You’re right, mom’s are a whole new can of worms, especially with the kind like my mom is… :p I am trying to keep in mind that somewhere between remarks like “how is it possible your hair is that greasy” is some kind of loving thought that is just not expressed right… I still keep expecting more of her, and oh boy, I could go into lengths with that one. To put it shortly, my mother is to me what Kryptonite is to Super Man.
I did get the point of your article, and I did enjoy it a lot… However I just made it my business, not too long ago, to tell a person what I thought of her actions on my discussion board. I hoped she would take my thoughts on board and look into the mirror, but if what I think of her is none of her concern, and if I would fully agree with this line of thought, then that would mean I was completely out of line with her, and I hope I wasn’t. I think I wasn’t. Or maybe I am rather concerned that what if the power of this phrase would get into the wrong hands.
I’m sure you get my point. :p
I appreciate you taking the time to visit my blog and comment, very nice of you!
Samsara (Who am I?)
5 months ago
Kryptonite to Superman…. ! THAT, I have never heard. Can I use it?
That is very optimistic to view her as just getting her words mixed up; as I, too, am no friend to the spoken word. Well. Let’s say the spoken word is no friend to me! Shyness coupled with slight social retardation, ADD and all that. A friend said to me once, “You look cute today!” I blurted out -after having a day of anger at compliments which I cannot take - “I can’t help it!”
[She made some crack about me having exceptionally good self-esteem when the truth was I was responding *in my head* to the query..."See how you're not blending in? See how people are noticing you?" Amazingly different to what it *sounded* like, eh?]
I do completely understand the “wrong hands” but I have an out for you. Let’s see. Give me a minute to spin it… Ah. Your discussion board…? Your discussion board? On your web server? That you pay for and/or maintain? … see where i am going…
This might help: I had a friend over at my house. She was high on pills and obnoxious. Normally, not my business but she *was* in my house and perhaps it was not *my business* but still…Because it *IS* my house and her behaviors were off the chain, I felt safe in expressing to her her erratic behaviors. [After all, I don't want some doped up person dropping by my house!]
Had she said, “What you think of me is none of my business!” I would have responded, “Well then get to steppin’ and quit makin’ my business!”
You like that? 
The fact is we’re all going to have a need to express our truth and what makes us uncomfortable and so forth…but even if it’s *not our business* we will sometimes feel it to be so or it really may [in the context of the relationship or situation] be *made* to be our business.
I can see me at 10 to Mom after I have experienced purple eyeshadow: “You look like a prostitute honey. Go wash it off!” Me: “What you think of me is not my business.” [LoL] Truth is…not it’s not in the universal sense of the intent, but in the physical truth of the world…she owns me until I am autonomous! [So she has a right , if not an obligation, to make my behaviors her business.]
I hope it makes some sense so that it sits better anyway! You’re funny… Kryptonite…Hah.
Samsaras last blog post..Top 7 Drunk and Alcoholic Related Episodes as a Kid
Sebastyne (Who am I?)
5 months ago
The thought of the kryptonite came to me after I had a very descriptive dream about me and my mother. As you may have noticed of one of the heading photos, I was completely bald not long ago (by choice) but I had started thinking about growing my hair long. In the dream, I woke up in the morning at my mothers house, and I had my friends there too. Everyone was amazed, because my hair had grown back over night, and they were saying that it was just something I could do, pull of miracles like that. (Well, I don’t do THAT sort of things in reality…
) In the bathroom mirror I saw what a beautiful hair I had, and I was quite happy with myself. 
Then I went into the kitchen and my mother remarked in a despising tone that my hair was greasy, not even noticing the growing part. I looked into the mirror again, and saw strands of hair glued onto my head and cheeks that were of old woman’s, and my mouth had twisted into a desperate grin as now I saw myself like my mother did. It didn’t matter that I had grown my hair over night, as it was greasy.
And the kryptonite, you can use it. :p
That is what I though too, that once I was autonomous, out of the house, married, and the sort, she wouldn’t have the right to make me feel like s***. However, I moved out the house 13 years ago, gradually making my own life more and more separate to hers, sometimes desperately so. I have never asked for their (my parents) help, but they have given it to me sometimes against my will. Fortunately I don’t have kids yet, as that would start another set of “You are not doing it rights” as she already is criticising the way I keep my dog… Which is funny as she doesn’t know a thing about dogs, and she’s the first one to admit that, but somehow she’s convinced that despite me being a Finnish Kennel Club qualified dog breeder she would still know better.
The situation is better now, that we live on the other side of the planet with my husband, who is from here, but I can still hear the strain in her voice in her emails… She doesn’t know how to talk to me, as she thinks I’m misinterpreting everything and judging her, so she’s very careful with her words until she just goes over the rail and starts spitting out stupid things. So I’m just waiting for that to happen, constantly, “when is she going to say something…” as there’s usually no warning before it happens.
But yeah, that would be my reason for making it my business to tell someone what I thought of them, as it is MY MINE ME PAY ME WORK ON IT. And I like it. “Quit making it my business”. I’ll keep that in mind.
Samsara (Who am I?)
5 months ago
Not many women can pull off the bald-but-still-hot look. You do it AWESOME.
Samsaras last blog post..Top 7 Drunk and Alcoholic Related Episodes as a Kid