My Dear Hard Drive

Taking note of how neurotic I was during upper secondary school, I’m pretty stable at the moment. Except that I am pretty closed-up, or so it seems to some people. Juhana asked me the other day, that why am I that closed up, that don’t I have the need to interact with people. I said that I don’t want to really, not directly anyway. He asked me why, and weeping I told him this:

Inside of me there is a garden. There are beautiful flowers, bushes and trees and everything is green and healthy, there are animals that live in peace with me, and I am happy there, and there I am an 8-year old. Around the garden is a brick wall, a round one, of height that only really tall people can see over it if they bother to look. I don’t want to let them in; I don’t want to let anyone in, who I don’t completely trust. (And after my previous boyfriend I don’t trust many people in.) I’m afraid that the one let in will start digging around to find the shit that I’ve used to fertilize the soil where the beautiful plants grow in. And that they find that it smells bad. And that they would think that my garden isn’t as beautiful as it grows on shit, pretty much.

Later I noticed, that I do let people in, but they usually don’t realize that they actually are enjoying the beauty of my garden. You don’t think when you are in peace and happiness. That is why art always needs misery and/or poverty to be created. Art needs shit to be created. Only when people demand to be let in I shut them out, I don’t understand why anyone would like to get in so bad that they must bang the gates and yell at me to open up. I get suspicious. Sometimes when this happens, I go yell at the gate to the person to leave me in peace. Then they think they have seen the true me. I’m sad. Why don’t they value me when they truly see me?

But sometimes you do get cynical, said Juhana. Yes. I can climb up to my wall and look over it. I see a lot of misery outside. I see angry, frustrated people, who in seek of happiness do everything but the things that would make them happy. They don’t stop to the nearest living plant, even if it was alive, but they go past it, trying to find a ready-made garden of happiness. They never will find one; as for each healthy garden there is a person who has grown it. And you cannot but visit the garden of other people; you must grow your own.

I am childish still I know. But today I was very proud of myself for not blurting out something like that heading says… We ware waiting for the taekwon-do class to begin, when one 16-year old confessed she found the trainer atractive. Ok, I agreed, he is atractive, and I have noticed that too, of course. I’m not blind yet. I felt sad for the girl, as I knew she had absolutely no chance at all, even though she probably enjoyed just looking. I’ve had crushes like that myself. He is about 10 years older than she is… But anyway, I thought how easy it would be for me to get that guy if I wanted. A snap of fingers, and I felt proud knowing that, and also hated myself for feeling proud for that. He is just of the type of guys who are nice and tidy, well behaved, but yet not munks, and values a gal like me… I would have gotten bored in 2 months with him… At the latest. At least if history would repeat… But I saw myself as a cat eating up a bird with a grin on her face and spitting out the bones. I eat those for breakfast…

(SLURRRPPP!!)