My Dear Hard Drive

This has happened before, and it happened again. What is incommon to Kristian and Johan is that they both require talk and openess in feelings, honestly and such towards them. With both I’ve now made the same mistake, beeing too honest… Or I’m not even sure if I was honest… But you see with Kristian it was this business with Lucas, and with Johan it was just this… Weird feelings I have for him. I said I didn’t think I loved him really… I’ve accustomed to strong feelings, such that burn you to the core, that you KNOW you love. With Johan my feelings are hardly noticable. Sometimes I think I can’t find a single feeling in my heart. Not such that can be called (romantic) love. I keep hoping that my heart woul bounch when I see him, or something like that, even the smallest thing that one feels when she is in love. But I don’t feel any of that. Still I’m ready in a second to have kids with him or something like that. I think he’s perfect. Simply perfect…

I had a urine infection just now. But when I went to the toilet this morning, I noticed that I don’t feel a thing. It didn’t hurt anymore. It was so good! It was a bliz! Then I thought, that maybe sometimes it is good not to feel anything, when you’re still happy with the actual thing… Johan seems to feel that way. I’m still not sure what he means when he says he loves me, maybe that is the same feeling I’ve got, but that I haven’t known it to be love… Who knows. He has a point, that it is good not to fall madly in love at first, as the shitty stuff reveals itself after the first blizz is gone. I agree. Marriages fall apart all the time for that. I am sure I will be happy with him for the rest of my life, I enjoy greatly just being with him, more than with anybody, I trust him more than I trust or have ever trusted anybody. I still don’t trust him fully, but then again I don’t trust anybody fully. Dad is the first runner-up, but I can’t marry dad, can I? That is a shame too, as he is the best man I’ve ever known, as naive as it sounds. Johan is a lot like him, thought it certainly doesn’t seem that way when the two stand side by side, the other groomed to the end, and the other with a beard un-shaved, with hair un combed, with clothes that are black with motor oil and other stuff… They’re still a lot alike.

The matters became worse when I saw this weeks episode of Ally McBeal. I had seen it before, but then it didn’t ring any bells. There was this guy who had suddenly ended a relatinship with a woman he thought was perfect. He said he didn’t love her, he knew she was perfect for him but he didn’t love her. He said he’d been happy with her always, but that something died in him for not loving her. Then I heard this song on the radio… “She is everything I want, she is everything I need, she is everything and more but don’t mean a thing to me.” That souded familiar, but not quite… Johan means something to me, but I was so afraid I was fooling myself and him and making a misstake by settling for someone that didn’t make my heart bounch. In this controvercy and under his pressure of honesty I told him that I didn’t love him really. He seemed to take it well, but then.. Of course he got hurt. And the realization that he just might end this with me draw those feelings up on surface… And then I’m thinking, that is it, that love is nothing much more than a fear of loosing? Insecurity? Happiness of after all being accepted? I don’t have a clue, but one thing I know for sure. Johan is for keeps, and I will do my best to keep him. Up to a certain end of course. I won’t be waiting for a total forgiveness for too many months like I did with Calle.

One thing I noticed too, is that all guys I’ve actually planned some kind of future with have been dull in the way of loving… Exept for Calle, but then I have realized that I don’t want a man like that anywhere near my kids, he’s the same as the rest. A brick I loved madly! But every guy I’ve dated and thought to be bossible father material I haven’t loved that much. And yes, I’ve thought about this potential father thing every now and then… But the point is, none of them come even close to Johan. I could spend the rest of my life with him with no pain what so ever. I can grow together with him with years, he is, after all, my best friend.

I’ve had more vistors than ever on my web site few days back. During just one day I’ve had 102 visitors, which is about the same as I get in a good week. Or sometimes a month. But y’know, I’ve never had as ungratefull visitors, I mean only 3 of them left a comment on my guestbook, that’s all. And even those gave me comment on the site lay-out instead of the content which is still the stuff I do this for. See I had a note on a news group that was greated for feedback requests… Ok, I might take this as a compliment, as none of them had much to complain, at least not enough to send me a note about it. Some guy sent me a reply to the group, that my html is invalid. Of course it is. The only valid html I know is text only. And I know that with some browsers my web site is a mess, but fortunately I know that 50% of my visitors uses the browser I hope they do (Explorer 5.5) and some use Explorer 4.0 wich is just as good, and just about the rest uses Netscape and only a fraction uses Opera or some other browser. The Mac users worry me though, as I have no clue of how the site looks on Mac. Fortunately the Mac users are too a very small croup of visitors, but an important one. My “net sister” Kristal is using Mac, and I love her so much that I would like that she sees my pages right… After all, the net is the only connection we have…!

The spammers are getting cleverer all the time. It is mentally really hard to delete a message unread, when the subject says “Re: The information you requested” even when you know that if you really did request that information, you would have phrased the subject as “An information request” or something like that, so if it really was a reply, the subject would be “re: An information request”. Also, if it was an reply, it would land on my inbox instead of the bulk mail folder so… Another clever thing is to use the name of the serviceprovider, like in this case: From: HOTMAIL@hotmail.com Subject: Important information, all memebers must read, do not delete. Luckily Hotmail knows this stuff, so the mail is sent to the bulk folder where it belongs.

I joined an anti-spam campaign, but I’m afraid it won’t do much good, as the instructions were difficult to follow and presented in the most dull way there is. I like a text that goes straight to the point. So I still know a little about fighting the spammers. I guess I’ll go back and follow the links to other anti-spam sites, if there was some easier way to fight it… If you know some good easy way to do it, please e-mail me into the inbox.

As you might already remember, I am the head-editor of a chinchilla-hobbyists member magazine, named, surprisingly, Chinchilla. I needed the member list as an Exel-file to give to the printing service, who will also send the mags to the members. I asked for it on a phone, and the girl I talked to promised to send me the Exel-file by snail mail as she didn’t have a net-connection. I assumed she ment she’d send it on a disk, as I told her what it was needed for. Well, the letter came as agreed, but the Exel-file was printed on paper… (Luckily she didn’t send me a photocopy of the disc!) Ok, I call her on the phone if she could please send it as an Exel-FILE, as it would save me a lot of time if I didn’t have to type it on the computer again. Oh, it hadn’t even occured to her! So she tells me that she doesn’t have it as an Exel-file, as she uses Works, so she couldn’t get it into Exel anyway. Then her boyfriend commented in the background, that they have Office on their computer. Do we? She asked, ok then she could send the file as Exel on a disk. All was fine, untill she sends an SMS message that she couldn’t export the file into exel. I send her a reply (I’ve never used Works) that couldn’t it be copy-pasted into Exel, as they both are MS-programs. Then I said that if not, I could probably open it at work and paste it on Exel myself if she couldn’t do it. She then replied, that no can do, I’ll send the Works file. The file arrived yesterday. With an attatchment of a piece of paper saying, that could you then send this disk back so I can add the new members on it…. At that point I was bursting to tears!! Didn’t she make a fucking copy??? And the disk costs less than a stamp for crying out loud!!

It took me 2 seconds to transfer the list on Exel. It was that hard.