Tonight, I write this off-line on Friday night, I stayed home instead of going out to see if Lucas was around. You know, there’s no point denying that he’s the only reason for me to go out these days… Anyway, during a commercial break of some stupid mind numbing TV-series I turned the channel and found Alanis Morrisette having a concert. She was introducing a song and I stopped to listen. And I stopped to listen. It’s weird, I haven’t listened to her in months, and even when I did, I mostly listened to You Oughta Know, as that song is just about the only one I have in my collections, and tonight she touched my heart from across the world through TV and a recorded video… And I knew what she was talking about, I knew what she meant, and I felt connection with her, I felt I was like her… And I noticed the women in the audience feeling the same as I did. Of course they did… As I said earlier… We’re all basically the same… And people who have the courage to say out loud how they feel are considered wiser than the others, someone who understands the other. The truth is that they are more courageous than most of us… And she helped me reaching out with her thoughts courageously telling the world how she feels… And that is why I write this, I want you to know that you are the same as I am in my feelings.
What made me cry was her song… hmmm… “I wish I was good” is it a title of her song? I don’t remember anymore, but that isn’t the point. The point is, that she expressed the fear of failing, of becoming less what you are now, and how your friends react to that… I have this terrible fear of getting old. It is ridiculous I know, and it’s irrational too, as I have no desire of being any younger than I am now, I just don’t want to get any older. I wish that the time would stay still and leave me alone! I wish I still had time to do all the things I’ve always wanted to do but that I’m too old for now, I wish I had started taking taekwondo classes years ago when I first thought of it and not now that I’m too old to take it as seriously as the ten years old younger boys in my class. I KNOW I can still accomplish a lot, but will I be able to accomplish as much as I would like to, as much as my ambition would like to?
The other thing I cried for was that she was able to tell so clearly what she felt… I cried for not being able to write a song, that I’ve never tried that. Not tried HARD enough. Given up with the first pain it brought. This comes easy, and I’m glad it does, writing I mean, I write more easily than I think… But writing a song… That is hard. That is one skill I admire above anything else. No painter, no poet, no writer gets more admiration from me than a good songwriter. And that is for the fact I can’t do it although I’ve tried. That is something I’m not good for… And in one time that was all I wanted to do really. I haven’t bought a record in months… Maybe years… I think I’ll buy one by Alanis soon…
God, religion and divinity
Today I also decided to leave the church. I have thought about it for a while now, but I’ve delayed it by thinking it really doesn’t matter if I belong to it or not, and thought that I’ll stay registered as a member of the Lutheran church for as long as my grand mother lives. But today I came across this web site that finally set my thoughts to the point why I was considering this anyway. It was a collection of chapters in the bible that described the same events written by different writers and evangelists with a lot of conflict and diverging between one writer’s text to the other. I knew there was a lot of mistakes in the book, but reading an hour these short verses and not coming to even half way of the document I realized I did not want to have anything to do with that collection of errors, also known as bible and “the word of unmistakable God”. All my life until a year ago I have been trying to explain the best known and most apparent controversies of the bible with weirdest of thoughts to myself, not wanting to see the mistakes of book of God. Never managing that. And reading the document put the final nail to the coffin of my belief - I have to get out of the church. God has done enough for me, now it’s time for me to become a god myself. And believe me I’m not kidding with that thought. I’m just not meaning that in a sick way as you might think, I’m not planning to rule the world, I’m planning to rule myself from now on. Become my own god, as it was meant.
What is divinity to me is… Being able to enjoy this moment. NOW. Stopping on your way to work for a chat with a squirrel. Yes, there’s one in the woods around this building I live in, and it often, as this morning, speaks to me… I’m not sure what it’s saying, probably she says to keep the hell away from her, but I so enjoy the chats with her that I stop and try to tell her that I’m a friend, and that I have the greatest admiration towards her… 
Back to the subject: divinity. Is the ability to think and feel and still keep in balance. Anyone can think through stuff, but many people fail to bear it, and they get depressed or deny their feelings… I know only one person including myself who can see to the truth and still laugh at the world. Mervi is the best thing ever happened to me, and I met her thanks to Kristian, who was the second best thing ever happened to me. So far. Maybe forever, as those two brought me to life! They are the true parents of mine, really. Or at least my second parents, those who gave me a rebirth. Without even knowing it. What is sad is that Kristian doesn’t realize what has happened. I feel like a shooting star passing him in spiritual growth… Really. Of course he has something’s on his behalf that I can never gain, such as brains. He can analyse stuff with a precision I could never accomplish, but still I see things he hasn’t have a clue of. And the only one who sees the same things as me is Mervi.
And I feel guilty for saying all this, as Rita has always been there for me, she has given uncountable hours to listen to my worries, dad has not ever given me a reason to hate or blame him for anything, mother has bended over backwards to make my life good. Granny has prayed for me each day since I was born (even if I don’t believe in God I am thankful) and loved me… If she knew all my thoughts she’d still love me and she would pray even harder to get me inside the pearly gates… I have to laugh a little… But the point. Although these people have given me devotion and love I feel I owe my life to Kristian and Mervi instead. Two strangers I met by an accident on my path called life. And neither one of them had any interest in me apart from to see what I was made of. They just wanted to see if I was cut out to be… Not destroyed! And the fact I was good enough to be way more than that, to Kristian a lover and to Mervi a friend is an honour beyond description. And now that I feel I have left Kristian biting my dust of fast growing I still feel greatly grateful for him stopping in his way and kicking my lazy butt to wake the fuck up! And the kick was really hard enough!
Also I am sorry for my father, who is concerned about me sucking in too many of Kristian’s thoughts. I don’t know exactly what he means, maybe he has a faint idea of Kristians mind, as my bother once came to see me in the middle of Kristian having a rant session with 2 of his best friends, and the whole discussion was cut off the content as he walked in and they continued. My brother had then told my father that he was not sure what the fuck the guy was, as he, as well as I can sound pretty unemphatic and cold and maybe even like nazis if you don’t know the whole concept, and if you’re not accustomed with the way we speak. However, I would like my father to know that what ever Kristian told me did not go through unfiltered, and all was thought over by me myself, and all that I say now comes from me not him, and some of this he doesn’t even agree with me.
Back to an old subject
I know I’ve been through this already, but I just realized something new. I was thinking again about why I was so pissed off by the relative, who doesn’t want to be named, giving me advice on how I should run my site and what should I tell and what not. Of course it is annoying by itself, but why it bothered me so much that although it’s been 2 months I’m still angry, I know now. I was watching this American TV-show… Party of Five or what ever it is, the Sallingers’ life… Julia was having her story read by a professional writer, who told her to go in deeper. This relative of mine told me to go shallower. I mean she keeps on encouraging me to write, she thinks that is my true talent, and she has the nerve to tell me to keep a secret that isn’t really any kind of a secret! Have you guys ever heard of a respected writer who is keeping secrets?? I sure haven’t. Unless you don’t count those who write fiction, and even they use a lot of stuff from their own lives. Of course they do, how could you write a believable story about stuff you have never experienced yourself? (Again not counting those who write about stuff nobody has experienced, but again I claim that they too include personal stuff into the stories.)
This relative of mine sent me an e-mail about this blogg few days ago. I was really offended by it, although this time it was nothing but telling how good I am and how these bloggs made her realize few things about why I see things the way I do. I answered her with only a few short sentences, which is really not like me, as you can see, I like writing, and usually my mails are really long, if the subject is at all interesting. And this time it was about me… That is my favourite subject. But giving the circumstances… If she too realized stuff about my world… What makes her think no one else would, that they should be protected from my thoughts? I’m not THAT bad! And again, she seems to value what I’m writing, so doesn’t she see why this is so valuable? Because I’m not holding back. I tell you guys, that seeing Kristian with another girl hurt me real bad, and that is not something I like to admit. I like men crying after me, but I don’t like to cry for them. That is not my STYLE. Yes, I have a style, and being woundable isn’t my style. But like it or not, every now and then a guy comes along with the power to cut my heart out. Kristian was one of them, and I believe Lucas is one of those too. And what do I do? I tell him exactly how I feel, and give him all the tools to rip my heart out… The rest that Kristian left in. But that wasn’t the subject this time. I even think there is stuff I should write about, deeper, deeper! But I’m not doing that because I’m thinking of my family. And she is telling me that I’m going too deep now! If it was only about me I would open my mind, my deepest corners… All the stuff nobody knows about… As believe me, this is not all that there is to me. There is a part of me who would like to kill you all, there’s a part of me that thinks nothing but sex, a big part, I might add, there is a part of me that is so pure and innocent that you wouldn’t believe it if I told you… But you know… There is not a part in me that would want to harm an animal… I feel guilty for having pets… They should be running wild, and I believe that a hundred years from now it is illegal to keep pets in cages in apartments. At least that is what I hope for… My dream… If I had my soul mate with me I’d move into a cabin somewhere where I had a big state of forest around me… I used to dream about a small farm with animals on it, but now I don’t think animals should be in captivity at all… So my dream is to live there where the animals live, with my soul mate, who ever he is, and with a computer or what ever would keep me in touch with you guys, you that I don’t know, and you who I know, those of you I’d visit of course, and you’d be welcome anytime, as long as you would be quiet! 
I don’t know how I would pay my bills though… Maybe by writing? Who knows. But that is my dream. The soul mate of mine… Maybe he’s a millionaire! Unknown one. I also dream about founding my own town… I would pick up few people, my friends, so we would have picked each other, they’d bring some people and we’d move to some place nobody else lived in and founded a new town. It can be done, can’t it? It would be called Peace. Or Truth. There would be no churches, and the town regulations would forbid practicing organized religions in the town. Preaching to people other than your own children would be forbidden too… It would be a sanctuary for free thinkers.
I’m loosing the subject all the time, but hey, I’m a free thinker!
